Month: January 2014

It’s finally here. The Super Bowl. It’s probably the best example of where American culture is, far more than those award shows. Everything’s America-tastic, from the National Anthem, to the commercials, to the crappy halftime shows, to the fact that only rich people can afford to go. Oh, and football is pretty American, too. This must be what the rest of the world feels like during one of those big soccer championship tournaments that seem to happen every five weeks. If you were busy abandoning your car on an Atlanta highway this week, odds are you missed it.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It’s was not a good week to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship, it was the norovirus. We imagine a sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, let’s hope the Bud Light cruise ship going to the Super Bowl is next.

State of Effusion
On Tuesday, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address, in which he laid out a bunch of things he wants to do this year, but Congress almost certainly won’t let him. He also threatened to veto any bill with provisions that could disrupt international talks with Iran regarding its nuclear program. Then he signed a bunch of things lawmakers handed him as he left the room. How does he know someone didn’t have him sign just such a bill?

The saddest rover in the solar system
China’s “Jade Rabbit” lunar rover had barely begun exploring the moon before it started having technical problems. The difficulties had to be put on hold when Chinese scientists put the rover in hibernation for the 14-day lunar night, and they’re not sure if it will wake up. Chinese media reported the rover actually saying before it was shut down, “If this journey must come to an early end, I am not afraid. Whether or not the repairs are successful, I believe even my malfunctions will provide my masters with valuable information and experience.” Just goes to show, you can’t spell “the moon” without “emo.”

Boy, Bruce Wayne is going to be ticked over this one. Canada’s most famous public meltdown outside of Rob Ford, Justin Bieber, has had another legal turn as he now has turned himself into Toronto police in connection with an assault.

Taking to Twitter, because, you know, Twitter totally redeems all the stupid stuff people do, Bieber thanked his father for being his “superhero” and ended with the hashtag “Batman.”

So, at least according to Bieber, not only did we have the Caped Crusader’s identity wrong, but now we must find him and punish him for creating the kid that is responsible for this.

The U.S. electric grid has many threats, including cyber terrorists and that tree around the corner that you know is going to fall over the next time we get a big storm. But there’s an even bigger threat out there: squirrels.

It should come as no surprise to warriors out there that these tree-dwelling rodents are out to get us. According to an analysis, more than half of power outages are caused by these beasts, probably costing the economy billions every year. And yet, the so-called government refuses to let us round all the squirrels up and send them to meet their squirrel maker.

There are lots of condiments out there, but only a few of them are worth it. Some of you losers think that ketchup is the best one. You’re boring and should feel bad. Some of you sheeple out there subscribe to the idea that mayonnaise is good. You are disgusting people and should feel bad.

Well, thanks to the sheeple, mayonnaise is now the newly crowned royalty of condiments. It would seem that enough of you horrible individuals purchase 2 billion dollars worth of that disgusting slop every year. Yuck. What is wrong with you all?

There can only be one true condiment. That is barbecue sauce. Prepare for it now, because when we’re in charge, barbecue sauce will be all there is. You have been warned.

Let me start this off with a couple of apologies.

• Yes, it’s just about the end of January 2014 and here I am finally getting around to a best of 2013. That’s horribly late. I’m aware of that. In my defense, I’ve been very busy the past few months and don’t live in a big demographic market, as opposed to the other members of SeriouslyGuys. Some movies take longer than I’d like to get to me.

• This is just the movies that I’ve managed to see. Truthfully, I’ve not had the time to see The Wolf of Wall Street, though I really want (sorry, I don’t exactly have 3 free hours at the moment). Along with that, I haven’t seen managed to see 12 Years A Slave, Captain Phillips, Nebraska, Fruitvale Station, Blue Jasmine, Inside Llewyn Davis, Gravity or Dallas Buyers Club.

• The movies below I’m qualifying as the movies that had a major market releases in 2013 (which is what manages to qualify some from being a 2012 or a 2014 movie).

Let’s get on with the show. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Best of 2013 (That I Saw)

FOX news gives us many unbiased op….. sorry, couldn’t do it! Anywho, occasionally, FOX will gives us something other than an opinion we didn’t want, and in this case, they came across a monumental discovery from Psychiatry Today: short people may have feelings of inferiority.

As shocking as this news is, we are going to find out if this is actually true, but as of yet Napoleon and Lord Farquaad have been unable to be reached for comment.

It’s one thing to hold prisoners in this war against nature. It’s one thing to clearly be raising the enemy to giant numbers.

William Buchman is accused of keeping between 300 and 400 pythons in his house. Pythons are the squeezy type of snake (they’re the leg-less Zangiefs of the animal kingdom). Along with that, Santa Ana police are saying legions of mice and rats were in the house, coupled with a “god-awful” stench emanating from the house. To what end were you keeping such an army of our enemy? To what end, Buchman!?

The only type of house that should hold that many number of snakes is a charnel house. Also, the snakes in said charnel house should be dead. And the charnel house should be on fire. Just in case.

The good news is, her phobia will die soon.

A woman in England has an intense fear of newspapers, so much that she cannot even look at them, according to reports, granted they are from British newspapers, so it could be made up. For about 25 years, Diane Freelove has had chloephobia, and it’s gotten worse as time goes on. At one point, she only needed to wash her hands after holding a newspaper, now she hates the smell of them.

On the list of irrational fears, this is not one of them.

Sure, none of us have been able to tolerate Canadian Justin Bieber since his arrival on the music scene sometime in 2009, however recent developments over him going full-Lohan have The Biebs possibly on the brink of being deported back to the land of hockey and Molson Ice.

We would like to give credit to CNN for giving us this gem of a headline, involving Bieber’s egg probe “tightening up.”

Everyone went crazy about Richard Sherman last week. That wasn’t news, that was a horribly dumb decision by a man that’s much smarter than that.

A teacher that was fired for possibly throwing a shoe at an 8 year old student: that’s not news. That’s cause and effect.

The Super Bowl has an increase of security? That’s not news, that’s what is supposed to happen at a giant event where a ton of people will be.

The first ever openly bisexual player in college football came out to the public? That’s not just news, that’s big news. Good on you, Conner Mertens. May your days be long and successful.