Take it from Snee: Let’s make 2014 less outrageous

"What do you mean, 'People with gauged earholes aren't allowed into heaven!?' OPPRESSION."
“What do you mean, ‘People with gauged earholes aren’t allowed into heaven!?’ OPPRESSION.”

As a human being who lives in the United States, I used Facebook. And Twitter. And occasionally read Web sites, even though those are so 2009 by now. And while the Internet has pretty much always been fueled by half-informed rage strokes, dating back to the earliest emails about some Wiccan kid refusing to stand up while a legless Vietnam vet pledges allegiance to the flag … it seemed like last year, we maybe got a little too outrageous.

That’s not to say that some outrage isn’t justified. Just that if we find new outrages every week, then we’re not really being socially conscious and trying to shame the world into being better. Really, we’re just demonstrating our advancing age and joining the older generations before us that devour all things Drudge and Fox News. 

For instance, if the allegations that Paula Deen once in her entire life history said the “N”-word and dreamed of a plantation-themed wedding legitimately angered you, OK. I mean, it shouldn’t be surprising — she has spent her entire cooking career exacerbating Type 2 diabetes, which pretty much kills more black people than the KKK. But, I get it the rage if you never made that connection before.

Butter is the new smallpox blanket.
Butter is the new smallpox blanket.

If you were also swept to Internet advocacy because a different redneck has childish, unsophisticated views on homosexuality and what his “black friends” thought about segregation and welfare, that’s along the same lines as the whole Paula Deen situation, so I can see how you’d get mad about that, too. Again, though, this is a man who thinks beards make good camouflage, so he’s probably hiding some feelings about “a man’s anus.” But, OK, I’m still with you.

Ask your duck hunter if vagina is right for you.
Ask your duck hunter if vagina is right for you.
At least our old teen idols had bigger cans.
At least our old teen idols had bigger cans.

And if Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance shattered your worldview of how young sexy pop stars are supposed to behave … well, OK then. I guess I would also be shocked if I hadn’t seen a Britney Spears, Madonna or Cher video. But, sure.

If you were also deeply and personally outraged by a Rolling Stone magazine cover featuring one half of the Boston Marathon bombers, I get it. I didn’t at first, but yeah, it was definitely a publicity stunt and way too soon.

And also the NSA spying on Americans thing. That was worth getting outraged about.

Although I have trouble trusting anyone who doesn't like backrubs.
Although I have trouble trusting anyone who doesn’t like backrubs.

But, if you were also upset that our government spies on other world leaders, like the chancellor of the country that only tried to conquer the world 70 years ago, then I guess I get it … kind of.

However, if — on top of those other things — Seth MacFarlane singing about actresses boobs at the Oscars twisted you into knots … and jokes about terrible things … and jokes … and that sometimes people leave their dogs in cars while they stop in the store real quick … and let them walk outside shoeless in the winter … and raise their children differently … and sometimes say, “Happy Holidays,” because it’s a convenient shortcut and easier than getting hassled sometimes … and that factory farming sucks … and that fast food is terrible and doesn’t pay well … and magazine pictures … and moms that work out … and that some celebrity has yet to apologize for something, anywhere …

Basically, anything posted on Salon this year ...
Basically, anything posted on Salon this year …

Then it may be time to cancel your Internet service. If only to make Facebook feeds positive by one less person.

Published by

Rick Snee

Through his writing for SeriouslyGuys, Rick Snee has alternately been accused of being: a liberal, a conservative, three different spellings of "moron," some old grump, a millennial know-nothing and -- on one occasion -- a grave insult to a minor deity in some obscure pantheon (you probably haven't heard of it). Really, he's just one of The Guys, y'know?

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