The McBournie Minute: Award shows are only fun when things go wrong

I watched the Golden Globes last night. It’s out there now, no taking it back. What I can say is that it wasn’t really something intentional, it was just sort of, “Well, this is on. This ought to kill a little bit while I eat.” Then I couldn’t turn it off.

I’m not a fan of award shows, (and judging from their ratings in recent, neither are you) I just find the whole “industry patting itself on the back” thing is pretty trite. I may pay attention to who wins the bigger Oscars, but I certainly don’t mind missing it. In fact, I probably haven’t really been excited for an award show since the MTV Video Music Awards back when I was in high school, when the bassist from Rage Against the Machine could get arrested for climbing the stage scenery on live television.

So yes, it’s been quite a while. And yet, there I was last night on my couch, learning about what not to do when hosting a fancy event.

I couldn’t stop watching because the whole thing was a hot mess. I don’t know what happened in the first hour, but judging from the rest of it, those in attendance decided to shotgun some beers, because everyone was sloppy. Martinis were brought on stage, people went into slurring, rambling speeches, and the “wrap it up” music was constantly ignored. Apparently, even the red carpet was soaked before celebrities started showing up, because of a malfunctioning sprinkler.

This was the kind of hot mess that I could get into. I even came away with some lessons for my wedding later this year:

Apparently there was no seating chart
The cast of Breaking Bad was in back. There’s no way that kind of thing happens, this year of all years, with a conscious human being at the helm. On top of that, there seemed not even to be aisle for people to walk down. So every time someone won an award, there was a solid 30-45 seconds of that person shimmying their way through the applauding throngs, only to make it on stage out of breath and possibly dealing with the realization that they had just been groped by at least a half dozen people. It also kind of looked like a fire hazard, but whatever.

Wedding lesson: Embrace the chaos, let the guests fall where they may. I’ve heard so much about how seating charts are the worst part of wedding planning, so I think we should just skip it. We’ll probably have our own table with bottle service. Let the little people climb over each other to get to us.

Lena Dunham didn’t win, finally
I wouldn’t say that I wish bad things to happen to Lena Dunham. I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice lady, I just can’t get on board with her show and the critical acclaim it regularly receives. I get that I’m not the target audience, but the show swapped funny for whiny for an entire season, yet retains its “comedy” classification simply because Judd Apatow (a living god to many of we comedy nerds) is involved. You can find no shortage of articles ripping Girls on the internet, so I’ll just say that I’m glad the foreigners got away from the “OH MY GOD LENA DUNHAM I HAVE TO VOTE FOR HERRRRRR” impulse that’s been plaguing these groups lately.

Wedding lesson: Don’t invite Lena Dunham. That should solve that problem.

The censors were clearly drunk
I know that the FCC has loosened up its rules on fleeting swears and pretty much anything at live events, but if you’re going to have someone on the dump out button, they should probably practice with it first. One actress said “shit” in her speech. I know this because the audio cut out while she was in mid-sentence, only to come back in when it got to the word the censor was probably aiming for. Later on, Tina Fey said, “And now, like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.” Which to me sounded completely fine, but it was followed a few seconds later with another audio dump. The entire joke made it through, and instead we got the audio and video out of sync as DiCaprio came to present.

Wedding lesson: Don’t let drunk people near the microphone. We’re not going to have a censor, so any blackouts will be self-imposed. I don’t have a problem with mild profanity. I just don’t want my wedding to turn into my roast.

I think the most important thing of all is to remember that, like an award show, no one is watching. People showed up to enjoy themselves, sure, but no one will care if some little thing goes wrong. They probably won’t even notice as long as the bar is open.