Take it from Snee: Save the important whale research!

Thanks to our current anti-scientific environment, we no longer trust the scientific method. First, we demanded that creationism be treated like a tested, mathematical theory like evolution or gravity. Then, we pointed to coincidences like doctors noticing that children displayed symptoms of autism around the same age they receive vaccinations as proof that, ergo, vaccines cause autism.

Even though it’s also around the same age they’re potty trained, yet we don’t blame toilet paper quilting practices for autism.

And now we’ve allowed unscientific rubes to muzzle our most important research in the War on Animals: killing whales and making the rest do backflips.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Save the important whale research!

Grandma got offended by a stripper

According to Ms. Youngblood's attorney, the stripper wore white briefs, so it's possible that her trauma comes from witnessing a budget lapdance.
The stripper cost $250 and wore white briefs, so it’s possible that her trauma comes from witnessing a budget lapdance.

As the Baby Boomers age out of Nielsen demographics (it’s what they use to measure television ratings, ask your parents), they’re taking their talents to rest homes retirement communities. And among those talents? Hiring strippers to entertain themselves.

Unfortunately, the 16-member (nailed it!) resident committee at the East Neck Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in New York forgot that some of their fellow residents are less Cloris Leachman and more Dame Maggie Smith. And now 85-year-old resident Bernice Youngblood’s son is suing the facility for exposing her unwillingly to the “disgraceful sexual perversion” of a man gyrating in front of her.

The article doesn’t give an estimated monetary value to Ms. Youngblood’s emotional damage, so we can only hope that they sue the pants off of them.

Beaking and entering

You may think you’re safe in your home. You’re wrong. The animals know where you live, and they are coming for you.

It was a quiet weekend in North Reading, Massachusetts, when a woman was woken up to the sounds of something banging around downstairs. No doubt it was an intruder. The woman called police, who arrived on scene, guns drawn, only to find a duck had somehow flown down the chimney and invaded the house.

For some reason, the cops didn’t shoot. In fact, they scooped up the soot-covered duck and released her at a nearby pond. Bunch a liberals.

Grand-slammed

The Home Run Inn, a pizzeria in Chicago recently had 10 children taken to an area hospital after a waitress accidentally served the kids booze instead of juice for  a child’s birthday party.

Van Wilder could not be reached for comment.

But will it have a commercial featuring Samuel L. Jackson?

SRI, the wonderful group that gave the world’s introverts their new best friend, Siri, is developing a new food application. The app, which is still in developmental stages, let’s you take a picture of your food, then analyzes the components, then provides you with an approximate calorie count.

You know, so you have another excuse to Instagram, Tweet and post to Facebook every meal you consume.