Day: April 18, 2014

Florida, you never let us down.

Story via Ryan

New Hampshire is set to decriminalize “gettin’ some strange.” All that remains is for Gov. Maggie Hassan to sign it into law.

Adultery has been a stocks, lashing, jailing and fining offense in the state since 1791. However, theme parks turning the stockades into tourist attractions kind of took the sting out of the punishment, so it’s gradually become just an unenforced fine. (Also, the lashings typically take place in the bedroom during the offense now.) The last logical step was to just decriminalize it entirely.

So, if your spouse suddenly takes an interest in the Granite State, it might not be for the tax-free shopping.

People, we’ll be honest: we’re so confused here.

For Easter, Erie County Executive Mark Poloncarz made a massively controversial yet understanding action and spared a butter lamb.

That would be a lamb. Made out of butter.

Poloncarz decreed that the sculpture would escape the tyranny that is Easter dinner. Are butter sculptures real things that are done outside of state fairs? And where does someone get enough butter to make a kneeling lamb?

Portland would rather waste a precious resource than be honest with people.

On Wednesday, a teenager broke into one of the city’s reservoirs and peed in it, because it’s kind of funny. He was caught on security camera, and the city’s water bureau announced it will dump all 38 million gallons of drinking water in the reservoir because it would never “purposely serve tainted H2O to the public.”

The definition of “tainted” seems to be a little off, here. On a heavy day, an adult will pee roughly half a gallon in one day–mind you, that’s not all at once, unless you’re really been holding it. But let’s just say this kid killed a lot of beer, that would mean if you took a glass of water from the reservoir, it would be one-76 millionth pee. You can’t even spill that small of an amount. Your local beach has more pee in it.

This also assumes that this reservoir is located in a magical place where birds and other animals never pee or poop, because that would mean the Portland Water Bureau was purposely serving “tainted” water. Folks, no matter where you live, there is pee in the water you use to drink, cook and bathe. We recommend drinking beer instead. The hipsters in Portland drink piss water, anyway.