Why do we allow these things to keep happening to us? When are we going to stand up and say we’ve had enough of this abuse. I’m speaking, of course, about the newest Transformers movie.
It was back in 2006 when I first heard about Michael Bay working on a live-action movie about alien robots that change into vehicles to hide in plain sight. It was one of my favorite shows as a kid, but as the basis for a movie, it just sounds terrible. Yet it worked for the most part.
Tawanda Hammond is a simple local business owner. There’s nothing elaborate or scary about her shop: it’s just a cake store, providing delicious desserts that she makes.
It was so bad that Hammond had to close the store for two days in hopes that a local beekeeper might be able to get the bees out of the bakery. But you know what, and this will sound ridiculous given my history, we don’t even blame the bees. We blame the hippies, the natural, raw, organic food people that feel as if the only non-touched food is that which can cross their lips. Your demanding for natural honey is to blame! And how dare someone not know if it isn’t! Their requests, though the minority, must be fulfilled!
So yes, if you’re one of those people and you’re reading this, it’s your fault that Tawanda Hammond had to lose two days worth of business. Yours and a minimum 20 thousand stingers.
When you die, your Facebook profile goes on without you. This may not sound like a problem, because it’s nice for your loved ones to have place online to remember you, but there’s a major concern here: we’re about to be overrun by the dead.
By 2065, Facebook will have more dead users than alive. About 30 million users died in Facebook’s first eight years of existence, and that trend doesn’t seem to be going away soon. In the decades ahead, more and more users will die, and Facebook will soon start to look like a zombie haven.
And if that doesn’t work, it’s time for the evil eye.
Did you miss me? I didn’t miss you. It’s not anything against all of you fine readers of discerning taste, it’s that while I was gone, I was on a tropical beach drinking rum for roughly 168 hours straight. During that time, I wasn’t really thinking, “Man, I sure wish writing snarky stuff about current events!” But my trip had to end, and so here we are again. This still beats working on a Friday afternoon. If you were busy threatening a movie this week, odds are you missed it.
Great, now all three branches are involved
House Speaker John Boehner made headlines this week when he announced plans to sue President Barack Obama for overstepping the bounds of executive power. Boehner, who in no way looks like Robert Wagner, insisted that the move is not simply an election-year stunt, and said that should the lawsuit fail, he will file it again another 50 times.
We’ve all been fight-a-homeless-guy drunk
Actor Shia LaBeouf drunkenly disturbed a performance of a performance of “Cabaret” by spitting into the air and generally being a jerk, according to witnesses. He tussled with a security guard who escorting him out after LaBeouf fell down on his own. Outside, he apparently fought with a homeless man before getting arrested. Man, viral marketing for the new Transformers movie has stepped it up.
When is a loss a win?
It was a must-win for USA. Actually, the U.S. Men’s National soccer team just had to tie Germany in order to advance. The battle with Germany was tense for the first half, and a lot of inappropriate World War II jokes were made. But as the game went on, it turned out that even if the U.S. lost by a goal, they still advanced because of another game being played somewhere else. So all the U.S. had to do was not lose by a lot. With competition like that it’s no wonder why we have World Cup fever.
Phil Collins remembers the Alamo, and he wants to make sure you do, too.
Apparently, the British musician, and we use “musician” lightly, has been a longtime fan of the Alamo, and has used his millions over the years to amass a collection of stuff from the famous battle. (We hear “In the Air Tonight” is about the Battle of the Alamo.) Apparently he had a thing for Davy Crockett, no really. The entire collection estimated to be worth tens of millions of dollars. Now, Collins is handing over all of his stuff to the state of Texas for free. The state just gets all of it to probably put in a museum or something.
That’s great news, especially considering how other musicians have treated the hallowed grounds.
Anyone who sets out to make a documentary film about the history of zombie cinema is in a no-win situation: if you stick with the obvious stuff, then the hardcore horror fans will get bored, impatient, and very annoyed. But if you focus mainly on the oddest and most obscure information regarding cinematic zombiedom, then you’re leaving out all the newbies — or the geeks who only pretend to know White Zombie from Rob Zombie.
Fortunately the movie-obsessed documentarian Alex Philippe, the man behind Doc of the Dead (and also The People vs. George Lucas), knows how to cover a lot of bases in a short amount of time, and the result is a light and amusing film about some of the grossest movies you’ll ever see. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Doc of the Dead’
When history comes a-countin’, you’ll be able to tell your children you knew what was the contributing factor behind the NokoUso World War of 20xx. Spread the word now that James Franco may have been at fault, because if you don’t, James Franco certainly will.
And he’ll play a worse game of telephone with the story than Alex Hicks.
By now, the entire world has heard about Uruguay’s Luis Suarez’s biting of an Italian player during a World Cup match earlier this week. Even people in the U.S. have heard about it and saw the terrible jokes companies made on Twitter trying to capitalize on it. But have you heard about the bets?
Clearly, this is out of the norm, considering beluga whales are colder water, oceanic animals and also that we’re at war with animals. What’s worse is that it appears to have been seen multiple times. For crying out loud, it’s a reconnaissance unit! Well, guess what animals: we’re onto you! You’re not the only animal that can adapt to a different climate. How else do you think that we’ve got people living in Detroit?
People, let’s face facts: the whales are coming for us. We know that they can now travel in freshwater areas. It’s up to us to use this information properly.
