Day: July 1, 2014

So, the US World Cup team lost to Belgium tonight 2-1 in dramatic fashion (at least I’m told), and now we as a nation can finally stop pretending like we give a crap about soccer. Look, I’m all for unifying as a nation behind a national team, but let’s be realistic, the US has cared exactly three times about soccer: 1. David Beckham coming over to the L.A. Galaxy 2. The 1999 women’s World Cup victory 3. Hope Solo.

OK, so maybe that last one is the only time I’ve cared, but we need to accept that, sure, soccer is inching up in popularity, but mainly it’s for foreign transplants, hipsters and people who want to pretend they’re more knowledgeable in sports than they really are by being able to rattle off names like “Ronaldo” and “Messi.” Continue reading Eat My Sports: It’s the End of the World Cup as We Know it (and I Feel Fine)

A Florida man stumbled across a secret weapon that our enemy has been cooking up to use against us: a two-headed alligator.

A live two-headed alligator, it should be pointed out, as most Frankenstein’s monsters don’t live for very long. It’s understandable, though regrettable, that the man did not slay the beast. Instead, it escaped. That said, we’re onto you, animals. Your secret plans aren’t so secret anymore.

Kill it! Kill it before it spawns more multi-headed monsters!

The one foolproof way to kill something is to use fire on it, unless it’s a dragon or something, those things love fire. When you see a spider, you may be tempted to burn it, but this is part of its game.

A woman in Kansas found this out when she saw a spider in her duplex. Wanting to kill the beast, she did the most reasonable thing and tried to burn the spider by setting towels on fire. Instead, she ended up getting a visit from the fire department. To make matters worse, she was even arrested for what she had done.

We have no word on the fate of the spider, but our guess is that if it survived it also eluded authorities, because spiders are sneaky like that.