Day: July 16, 2014

Take it from Snee: Beware of car

Ford almost named the Fusion the Kidbaker, almost creating the first recall of a car based on historically shady labor practices during WWII. Fortunately, their trademark lwayers blocked it based on potential confusion with the Studentbaker.
Ford almost named the Fusion the Kidbaker, almost creating the first recall of a car based on perceived shady labor practices during WWII. Fortunately, their trademark lawyers blocked it based on potential confusion with the Studentbaker.

Although we live in one of the safest countries in the world, Americans are obsessed with the idea of injecting lead into the ones they love (even though nothing’s really made with lead anymore). We crave convenience and the ability to own dangerous objects, even though they are more likely to kill our children, pets and elderly than a home intruder.

I am, of course, talking about cars.

Despite dozens of news articles every summer (often about the same three cases), America’s infatuation with the automobile leads otherwise reasonable people to leave their friends and loved ones in the car with the safety locked, often while holding up a liquor store for “just a few minutes.”  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Beware of car

Snails: the latest biochem weapon

Just to be safe, we know not to respond to emails from Nigerian princes. While, yes, being completely swindled out of all of your money is good way to revitalize the concept of Social Darwinism, ultimately, our race has too much pity to allow it to happen. Another thing you probably shouldn’t do: respond to the email if said prince from Nigeria contacts you about snails.

A crate of giant land snails were confiscated at LAX, having been sent from Nigeria. It was stated that their purpose was for consumption.

People, while we’re all for the elimination of animals, be smart about it. Said aforementioned snails are illegal in our country because they carry a disease harmful to us. Also, they’re disgusting. Luckily, government officials got it right this time by incinerating the pests. Gold stars for all!

Can you say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy?

This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South's high rate of diabetes.
This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South’s high rate of diabetes.

If you can say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy — and you’re white and not Catholic or Jewish — then congratulations! You just passed the KKK entrance exam!

The South Carolina-based Loyal White Knights distributed bags of candy, each containing the phone number to their recruitment line, along with standard Fox News talking points about illegal immigration.

The Guys are beginning to suspect that nobody with good intentions ever gives out free candy.

An epic game of beer pong ensued

Imagine you’re driving down the highway when all of a sudden it starts to hail. But you notice that the hail is bouncing off of your car, rather than smashing into it. Then you realize ping pong balls are falling from the sky.

In Idaho, this adverse weather really happened. On Saturday, revelers at the Blackfoot Pride Days looked to the sky for a plane to drop ping pong balls on them, each redeemable for a prize. However, the pilot missed, and dropped them on a nearby Interstate instead.

Instead, a game of “play in traffic” probably broke out.