Day: August 8, 2014

When did Shark Week become a national holiday? Discovery’s long-running TV “event” is at the point where it’s getting spoofed by other networks, and memes are being created to celebrate its arrival. For example, Comedy Central has been celebrating “Shart Week,” airing episodes of classic shows that revolve around poop gags, and there are quite a few. And of course we just had Sharknado 2. This year, it doesn’t seem like anyone cares about Discovery itself. Maybe that’s because they kicked things off with a huge lie last year. If you were busy preparing for two different hurricanes this week, odds are you missed it.

Ebola wars
The biggest outbreak of the Ebola virus on record is upon us, with more than 1,000 confirmed cases, mostly in western Africa. Two American aid workers were among those to contract the virus. Both were flown back to the U.S., and are undergoing experimental treatments in Atlanta, because there’s no cure. The fact that the two stricken Americans were flown back to the U.S. for treatment drew ire from noted dumbasses like Donald Trump, and the hospital where the patients are being treated has even received threatening phone calls. Is there any chance we can aim this disease at just certain parts of humanity?

What would Jesus tweet?
This week, Pope Francis told a crowd of altar servers in Germany not to focus too much on their gadgets. Sure, technology is meant to improve our lives, but what it really ends up doing it causing a distraction from the world around us, he said. The altar servers nodded at the pope’s point, then went back to SnapChat.

The world waits because of a toddler
President Barack Obama was set to announce to the U.S. and the world, why he had ordered airstrikes on ISIS positions in Iraq, and how it totally wasn’t going to be another war, but his speech was put on hold Thursday night. Outside the White House, a toddler squeezed himself through the bars of the fence on the North Lawn and started running around. Secret Service officers secured the kid, but the White House was put on lockdown during the incident. It’s safe to assume that the boy and his family are now in Guantanamo Bay.

It’s taken quite a bit of time, but we’ve done it. We finally managed to counter our enemies some: the bats are eating the mosquitoes (warning: autoplay).

In the Jupiter Farms area of Florida, mosquitoes have typically been a major threat to the good people of the land. But no longer: Barbara Glaff has a plan. Glaff has installed a place for bats to live in. But they don’t live for free. No, they are our enemies, and as such they must earn their keep.

Their monthly rent is to eat the mosquitoes, technically their allies in the war against us. Genius! The bats have nearly eliminated the mosquitoes from the local ecosystem, thus making the land suitable for humans once more. Huzzah!

There’s a whole bunch of elections coming up for Congress this fall, but who cares? Let’s focus on the elections that matter.

There was a time when Times Square was a seedy place, a place you didn’t want to take your children because of unsavory characters. A candidate for the San Francisco board of supervisors worked to bring back those good old days this week. George Davis stripped naked in Times Square, which as far as we know, is not even on the same coast as San Francisco, to make a statement on the right to be nude in public.

Talk about your single-issue candidates.