Day: August 13, 2014

People, we may be onto a giant series of counterattack successes. First, Barbara Glaff figures out a way to turn allies against each other. And now? Now?

We can stop mice from eating. Everything.

Scientists at CIT “accidentally” stumbled onto a network of cells that can turn appetites on and off (warning: autoplay). Through light signals, the scientists were able to stop the mice from eating, even while eating. Some want to use this technology as a form of weight-loss and appetite suppressant for humans.

I’m thinking otherwise. After all, it’s hard for an army to fight if it won’t eat.

If you thought today seemed a little sinister, there’s good reason. Today, the world celebrates International Left-handers Day, even if we know that left-handedness is a sign of evil.

If you’re wondering when International Mixed-handedness Day is, it, like ambidextrous people, doesn’t exist. If you pitch southpaw, then it doesn’t matter if you catch southpaw, too. You’re left-handed. (And let’s not get into the affront to god and threat to right-handedness that trans-handed people present.)

So, if you know a left-handed person, pat them on the back — with your correct hand. Tolerance is really in right now.

We to make fun of the news here at SG, but it’s very rare that we get to make fun of the news as well as how it’s being covered. Let’s see what the Moscow Times has for us today.

Challenging the widespread notion about the inherent goodness of man, passengers of a suburban train outside Moscow stole the luggage and finished the beer of a man who fell of the train ….

Great lead sentence. Who in Russia believes that people are inherently good? Aren’t they the ones who have to use dash cams in their cars because insurance fraud is so rampant? Still, that does suck for the guy to lose his beer and luggage like that.

The unlucky passenger was keeping the door of the moving train car open to get some fresh air in the unventilated vestibule, ….

He eventually dropped out at a turn in the road, leaving behind an unfinished beer, two car bumpers and a screw gun.

So no one at the inherently good Moscow Times thought to ask what happened to the man, but found out exactly what he was carrying with him? That is kind of weird luggage, though.

Train officials ignored requests to pick up the man’s belongings, the daily said on Friday.

This allowed an unnamed male passenger to finish the beer and make away with the bumpers and the power tool before train officials came.

Again, none of these inherently good people are concerned about the guy who FELL OUT OF A TRAIN. They just want his junk cleared out, but people driving the train don’t even want to be bothered with the man’s belongings. Also, thanks for clarifying that the guy who took the beer, bumpers and screw gun was unarmed. Was that a distinguishing thing because everyone else on the train was strapped?