Take it from Snee: You are not a warrior

With scenes like this …

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… and this …

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… in Ferguson, Mo., it’s easy to see why many of us are wondering if we maybe, quite possibly went an eensy-bit overboard in arming and outfitting our police forces over the past 13 years since 9/11. In fact, it makes complete sense to lose our minds when seeing these weapons of war aimed at civilians. It kind of, you know, makes it look like the police think we’re the enemy, and they’re put in power to put us down like mad dogs in the street.

But, you know what’s really weird? That scenes like this …

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… and this …

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… didn’t inspire the same kind of response.

Yes, the Ferguson Police Department — and many other police departments — are militarized to the point where even Rob Liefeld would throw up his arms and say, “That is way too many ammo pouches, guys. That can’t be proportional to what the human body can carry.”

But, looking at the second pair of photos and the following trends, I’m starting to think that police departments aren’t loaded for manbearpig because they’re police. It might just be because police departments are mostly made up of white males, and white males have gone full-bore Klingon insane.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: You are not a warrior

‘Male Panda’s Rights Activists’ celebrate being proven right

"Females say they want to get with a nice, cuddly panda. But they always end up with some assh*le."
“Females say they want to get with a nice, cuddly panda. But they always choose the assh*le with a giant grant from the WWF.”

After years of looking like panda jerks in the comments of any online post that mentions feminism, it appears that Male Panda’s Rights Activists, or MPRAs, have been proven right. At least one female panda has been caught faking a pregnancy for special treatment from zookeepers that she has no intention of letting out of the “friendzone.”

Zookeepers at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding reported that Ai Hin exhibited signs of pregnancy for two months and then suddenly stopped. During that time, she was moved into a single air conditioned room and received “more buns, fruits and bamboo.”

According to one of the zookeepers, “Some clever pandas have used this to their advantage to improve their quality of life.”

See? And if this happens in a zoo, you know it totally happens in the wild, too, where female pandas will convince a male panda to marry her and then conveniently miscarry. And at that point, it’s too late for the male panda. He’ll have to give her half of us bamboo for the rest of her life.

So, you win this round, MPRAs. But you still look stupid in a fedora.

Finally, animals we DON’T have to shoot

The enemy of my enemy is still my enemy except when he’s stuffed.

This is the battleplan being put into place in Meredith, New Hampshire. As we all know, geese are jerks, straight up. They will attack anyone, anywhere and they’re highly territorial, though owning no territory. Even worse, they’re Canada geese, meaning that for the first time in history, a town in the United States actually is being besieged by a gang of illegal immigrants.

But Meredith is prepared. Despite the town being located so far north that you wouldn’t expect a desert animal like coyotes to be living there, stuffed versions of coyotes are being placed all along the waterfront and lawns in order to scare off the birds.

And by jove, it’s working. But it may not work unless the coyotes are moved regularly in order to fool the geese. So if you’re a resident of Meredith, move them around and put some fear into Canada geese.

Hell claims Va. town as fortunetelling ban falls

The ban kept Chris Berman away for decades.
The ban kept Chris Berman away for decades.

Whores of Satan, rejoice: the Town Council of Front Royal, Virginia has made a deal with the devil! Fortunetelling will be allowed within the town. Let the trumpets of Lucifer ring out!

In a 4-2 decision, the town council decided to strike down a ban on fortunetelling, “gypsies” and “magic arts,” whatever those are. Demons were heard shrieking with delight, as they set about plans of spreading Satanism and introducing criminal elements that are so often associated with things like tarot cards.

Concerned citizens said they worried that without the ban, children would be put in danger of temptations of evil. The Lord of Darkness himself was unable for comment.