Month: September 2014

One of the biggest problems with maintaining an online presence is making sure everyone knows you’re a good person. It’s why we only post flattering pictures and have to apologize immediately on the nearest late night couch when we fumble a joke.

So, when you do something grand and unexpectedly nice (for instance, leaving an overworked waiter a $100 tip despite lousy service), what’s the best way to make sure everyone knows about it?

You could wait to see if the waiter posts it up on his blog/Facebook/shrine to nice people in their bedroom closet. Or,  you can follow Makenzie Schultz’s example and post it yourself, the very same day, receipt and all.

And presto: you’re now recognized by your peers as a terrific human being and role model. Or put on ignore. Same difference — heroes aren’t always recognized in their own lifetimes or social media feeds.

A whole bunch of dead sharks, emphasis on dead, just happened to show up on a beach in North Carolina.

As such, we at SG would like to exercise our right to the fifth amendment. Along with that, we’d like to exercise the seventeenth, twenty-first and twenty-seventh amendments, just in case.

Any questions can be directed to our attorney, Johnny Tightlips.

Hey, you know how early adopters of the iPhone 6 Plus are complaining that their phones are bending in their pockets? One man has the answer for this tragedy, and it should come as no surprise that that man is a psychic.

Rather than blame poor engineering or fat legs, Uri Geller says it’s “mental forces” that are causing it. Geller went on to ask Apple to hire him as a spokesman to deal with this crisis. He would explain that the company is not to blame for the flaw.

Because nothing calms nervous shareholders like hiring a psychic.

Wine kind of sucks. It’s the only type of alcohol that comes in a big bottle and goes bad if you don’t drink it all. It also makes you look like you have lipstick on. No one has ever talked about a bottle of wine and not sounded like a douche. You don’t go out to a bar after work and order a glass of red. Basically, unless you don’t like beer for some reason (don’t trust these people), over 40, or happen to be in Europe, there’s no good reason to drink wine.

You wouldn’t know that if you looked at modern science. It seems like every other week there’s a new story talking about how wine makes you stronger or thinner or some other random health benefit. These drunken scientists in their cabernet-stained lab coats like to tell us all how great wine is, but they forget their own bias. They’re so focused on wine that they forgot to test other, more delicious types of alcohol.

Namely, beer. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: 4 ways beer is good for you

We make fun of Canadian stereotypes often (mostly because they’re true), and yes, they have cursed the world with Justin Bieber and Tom Green and Avril Lavigne and Nickelback, and their money is both plastic and has animals on it, but they’re okay enough people. They’re nice enough to us, if perhaps just a little too smarmy for their own good.

Apparently their bears never got the memo about being polite. One man came home to find a note on his mailbox from the postal service. His mail carrier was unable to deliver his mail (which we all hate when that happens) because a bear was at the door. That will tend to prevent the mail from making it.

The mail system is one of the last bastions of joy in this world. Everyone enjoys the feeling of getting something awesome in the mail. That bears are attempting to take away that joy just shows how crucial it is that we must win this war.

In France, drinking is serious business. That’s why rail workers there are on strike to defend their right to drink on the job.

Let’s face it, trains are pretty boring. They pretty much drive themselves, and there’s no steering involved, so why not allow workers to have a nip now and then? Earlier this year two workers were caught sipping rum while directing trains and nearly sent one train in the wrong direction.

Aside from that, seems perfectly acceptable for these guys to drink on the job. This is why we have unions, folks.

Fantasy football team owners, Vegas odds-setters and any remaining, yet inexplicable Detroit Lions fans, don’t worry. A bridge may have collapsed — killing a man — but Lions quarterback Matt Stafford is OK.

To reiterate: a bridge collapsed, a man died, traffic was blocked in both directions on a major highway to remove destroyed infrastructure and what was once a human being. But, most importantly, and what we should put in the headline, is that Matt Stafford, a guy who throws (and sometimes runs with) a football was unharmed.

He was, however, inconvenienced during others’ ultimately futile attempts to treat and prevent a man from dying. However, since he wasn’t involved in those efforts, there’s no point in reporting on them or the person who died.

Drinkers of the world: the future is now!

And by now, I mean a Belgian city that has kept its look for nearly five centuries.

The famed (or not so famed) De Halve Maan Brewery is located in Bruges. But baby, the city ain’t lookin’ so hot. Near constant driving by delivery trucks to and from the brewery has taken its toll, rumbling nearby its nearby canals and almost destroying its cobblestone streets. What’s a medieval city to do?

Put in a pipeline – a brewery pipeline, that is. The brewery will have the pipeline installed, allowing it to connect with a bottling factory while saving the rustic look of the city. The company’s director doesn’t think that anyone will be able to tap into the pipeline, but that’s never stopped a thirsty alcoholic.

Folks, we all know that animals are a threat to our safety, but it turns out that more importantly, they’re a threat to our booze.

In Australia, a wild boar got into some brews at a campground. By “some” we mean 18 beers. The beast then drunkenly went on a rampage, even fighting a cow, because apparently they have those at Australian campgrounds.

Of course, we know that cows and beer don’t mix, either.

Hey all. Let me be upfront: work is absolutely destroying me. It’s busy.

As such, this week is a bit of a very short inventory round-up. Yes, it’s lazy. That’s what happens when you’re feeling beat. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Inventory Report