Day: September 2, 2014

For those of you who I have not made aware of on this weekly column, my wife and I are expecting our first two boys at literally any time between now and the beginning of Febtober.

I know what you’re thinking, Rick was the original Guy with the odds in favorite in the baby making department, pulse he had a solid year and a half of marriage on us. But like the team that blindsides the champion, I took over Rick’s place as the first Guy to spawn offspring.

My timing though, could not have been more problematic. You see, while my wife may not give a crap about fantasy football or what “PPR” stands for, the final month of our pregnancy has been during draft season. Now fortunately, we’ve had some accommodating friends help us along the way, but this has been a giant pain to juggle.

How do I feel about breast feeding versus formula?

Should I draft LeSean McCoy or Jamaal Charles?

Huggies or Pampers?

Backup QB in the 10th round, or sure up my WR depth.

This has been my past month!

And while, yes, it is my own doing. One man, three fantasy leagues and two twins on the way, I wish this on no one.

Cold cases are the worst.

But there’s one less in the world. A case over two decades old has been solved thanks to a handful of LEGO bricks. In 1991, Lucille Johnson was found brutally murdered. Unfortunately, investigators just weren’t able to solve it. That changed last year. DNA scrapings were found on some bricks (presumably the 4×4, though they could have been 2×8), and after a long and arduous search, the evidence was paired with that of a septuagenarian prison inmate. It may be 23 years late, but at least it’s closure.

You just don’t get that type of case-solving assistance with MegaBloks.

It may be the greatest collar by the police in all history: the Dark Lord was taken into custody.

And what was El Diablo doing in the Copper State? Burning and urinating (or, as we call it in the industry, burinating) on a Bible outside of a Christian-run homeless shelter.

Why go to the trouble of lighting something on fire just to piss it out, you may ask? Because, while god may work in mysterious ways, the devil works in counterproductive ones. (See: lording over all of sin, yet punishing sinners in Hell.)

The important factor in all of this is that now we finally understand why police officers need military equipment.

It’s been debated for centuries, from the time of Little Caesar’s rule to construction of the Pizza Hut: what is the best cheese for pizza? Science has the answer.

Mozzarella. It’s mozzarella cheese, according to a new study in the Journal of Food Science. Turns out that the cheese that’s on pretty much every pizza ever made (except for those weird flatbread pizzas, but who counts those?) is the correct kind of cheese to use for such a dish. It melts, it browns, it blisters and it has oil in it.

So the next time your friend suggests ordering a pizza with goat cheese, drop some science on him. And if that doesn’t work, slap him and slap him hard until he sees your point.