Day: September 3, 2014

“Back in my day, we walked 15 miles from our dorm to campus in order to go to school … and we liked it!”

If that comment was told to you by your parents, that’s probably because they’re time-travelers from the future, as it’s happening right now. You see, some students at Stony Brook University were placed in dorms that lie 15 miles away from the main campus. The school has attributed the problem to overcrowding, but the real problem will arising soon.

See, Stony Brook is not a dry campus; however, the spare dorms are being leased from Dowling College. Dowling is a dry campus. While it’s not been said that the dorms will be affected by Dowling’s rules, there’s only thing that needs to be done: in order to make reparations, Stony Brook MUST declare the Dowling dorms to no longer be subject to dry campus rules. Alcohol will make things right!

We’ve got some bad news, everyone: radioactive boars are roaming the famed German forests. Worse yet, there’s nothing we can do but hope they don’t mutate and spawn a race of intelligent hogs.

A study by the German state of Saxony found that more than a third of wild boars have high enough levels of radiation that they aren’t safe to eat. While it makes sense to us that some villain is using some sort of ray gun to irradiate the pigs, researchers believe that it stems from the 1986 Chernobyl accident, which sent radiation into the atmosphere that blew as far as western Europe. Because boars eat things they dig out of the dirt, they have absorbed the radiation, scientists believe.

It’s about time the people formed a mob to root out hideous monsters, don’t you think?