Turnips get their six seconds of fame

Turnips are a great source of vitamin C and for getting rid of Shy Guys in your garden, pesticide-free.
Turnips are a great source of vitamin C and for getting rid of Shy Guys in your garden, pesticide-free.

U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama has launched yet another salvo to get Americans to eat a goddamn vegetable, just one, you lazy, unfit pieces of eligible voters. But, rather than suggest something that people have tried and don’t like, she’s trying to mystify meatavores with a new vegetable. The First Lady wants you to “turn-up for a turnip.”

Yes, the turnip. That purplish thing in salads that slides neatly through fork tines and makes up 1/4 of all rats diets in Ruby Tuesday dumpsters.

And of all the vegetables, this was probably the best one for a bumper sticker slogan. Although, who’s to say that the following won’t roll out in the near future?

  • “Cuss for asparagus.”
  • “Hoot for taro root.”
  • “Get hard for swiss chard.”
  • Something something kohlrabi.”

‘Those bandits was the slipperiest ones we knew!’

A tractor-trailer was stolen. Though it’s recently been recovered, sadly, its cargo was found missing from the semi. See, that’s the most puzzling thing about the theft, because its cargo was 18 tons of Crisco.

For those that don’t know, Crisco is a century plus old brand of shortening. Its use has declined because people have discovered that using it falls squarely in the unhealthy side of the healthy/unhealthy debate. Like, injecting lard into your veins unhealthy.

That might be a hyperbole.

Regardless, for the authorities that live in St. Petersburg, there are two areas you might want to keep an eye on:

  1. A item of great value that can only be accessed via a tight ventilation shaft.
  2. A pie contest that allows multiple (and we mean MULTIPLE) entries from one person.

Time to get wrecked: Brewery recreates beer from 1842 shipwreck

Four years ago we told you about some beer and champagne from the 1840s that was found in a shipwreck at the bottom of the Baltic Sea near Finland. Then we told you when some of the champagne went up for auction a year later. Now, we’ve got another exciting update.

You can buy the beer. OK, well you can buy some beer that was recreated by Belgian scientists after analyzing the beer that had been chilling since 1842. They found what type of yeast was used and figured out it was from Belgium. Then they did their best to recreate the rest of the brew, because 170 years is too long for a beer to age, even a Belgian.

It can be yours for the reasonable price of $143, plus shipping, handling and duties.