If he dresses like a Darth Vader, has his name changed like a Darth Vader and has stormtroopers surrounding him like a Darth Vader, then he’s a Darth Vader, right? But what about if he’s in the Ukraine?
Yes, and best of all, he wants your vote.
Seriously, he really needs your vote. See, Darth Vader is polling pretty low in the parliamentary elections. Unfortunately, this can be attributed to his involvement in the scandal known as “the prequel trilogy.”
Look, The Guys understand that the entire Internet is in an unannounced “Greatest Selfie of All Time” contest, which started right around the rise of Instagram. And we know that the Chinese word for “danger” is also the same word for “picturesque.” (Chinese is really easy because you only have to learn 50 percent of the vocabulary to use 100 percent of it.)
But, please, for the love of Matthew Brady, please stop taking selfies with bears.
U.S. Forest Service officials at Lake Tahoe have had it with people risking literally life and limb to take the selfie that will finally win the Internet: with a live bear. Rangers have seen people “[run] across the highway to get a closer look at the animals, and even [charge] off trails, through the forest and even over the creek to get closer to the hungry bears” [emphasis added].
People, let us remind you that we are at War with Animals. While it is commendable to document the enemies’ positions (along with a sweet #waronanimals hashtag) there is a safer way to get the picture you need. Rather than shoot with a cameraphone, shoot with a gun. We call it an ammosafari, which is like a photosafari only — instead of taking pictures — you take lives with a gun that you also took.
It’s been a while since we checked on France. Anyone heard from them lately? What’s that? They’re being attacked by clowns? Uh oh.
Earlier this month, some clowns were showing up in northern France and creeping everyone the hell out. The French apparently did nothing, and now the clowns have spread to the south of France, too. Police keep arresting people, mostly teenagers, dressed as clowns. In some cases, they are carrying knives and other weapons.
Naturally, this has lead to a resistance movement within French society. They are fighting clowns wherever they see them, and are no doubt waiting for NATO forces to arrive.
