White Jesus, Black Jesus, Raptor Jesus … Python Jesus?

Behold, for the serpentine messiah has come to wrought his wrath upon the land. With forked tongue and body of upside-down diamond pattern, his mark of the beast will be literal. Because he’s a beast.

Maybe we should be worried, but since a virgin birth snake was born in Kentucky, we have about a 50/50 chance that the snake has holy/unholy powers or is inbred.

(We need) Snakes on a plane

Expert mouse hunters are waiting by the phone for calls from the FAA.
Expert mouse hunters are waiting by the phone for calls from the FAA.

Unless we kiss our ban on snakes on planes goodbye, we’re not gonna make it out of the War on Animals alive. That’s because there’s a new threat to human aviation: mice on a plane.

The crew for a Norwegian commercial flight to New York found a mouse in the cockpit. They then had to delay the flight for five hours to check all the avionics because mice routinely chew up cables and wires. (“Found” copper brings in a whole lot of cheddar.)

This isn’t even the first time it’s happened. Norwegian Air Shuttle spokesperson, Charlotte Holmbergh admitted, “This does not happen very often, but it does happen from time to time.”

One time is too, and so especially is an airline threat that has now appeared time after time. If a plane falls, we can’t catch it, we’ll all be waiting, time after time … Time after time … Time after time.

The fame will kill you

Good news, everyone of our target demographic reading this: you’re going to live longer than Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus? You’re going to outlive her, too. In fact, every pop music star you can name, you’re going to bury them all.

No, we didn’t hire hit men or anything illegal unethical like that. A recent study found that being a pop star is bad your your health. In fact, it shortens your life expectancy by about 25 years. Mostly, it’s because young people aren’t equipped to handle their sudden rise to stardom, which leads to riskier behavior that is only encouraged as you get more famous.

Enjoy your long life being a nobody.