Day: November 6, 2014

Naming rights don’t come cheap

When an opportunity to name an animal comes up, we at SG encourage people to take that opportunity. That’s why we commend an anonymous individual being able to name a dumb ol’ baby giraffe. We would suggest names such as Stretch, Spots and Ol’ Zombie Tongue.

Now, having to pay to name an animal? While that’s not an action we would traditionally support, in terms of an economic fundraiser, there are worse ideas. Wall Street needs money? Sell the naming rights to that golden bull. Seaworld out of cashola? Shamu’s getting a new name! We strongly encourage both the Republican and Democratic National Committees to put up the naming rights to the elephant and the donkey for sale.

Cunning while intoxicated

Although his plan was doomed from the get-go, there are far worse drunk munchies decisions he could have made.
Although his plan was doomed from the get-go, there are far worse drunk munchies decisions he could have made.

When facing solid, nearly incontrovertible proof of driving while intoxicated, your options are limited. Basically, you can either hang it up and consider yourself a pedestrian for the near future. Or, like Kenneth Desormes, you can look at the sh*t sandwich you ordered from life and try to take a great big bite out of it.

After being brought into a New York state trooper station on suspicion of DWI, Desormes’ breathalyzer results were printed out. He seized the opportunity and tried to eat the incriminating paperwork that said that his blood alcohol content measured 0.13 percent — well above the legal limit of 0.08. He, however, did not get the whole thing down and troopers added charges of obstructing governmental administration and criminal tampering.

We salute Mr. Desormes’ man-of-action decision-making, even though there was no chance in the world it would work. It’s not like printing a file automatically deletes it from the police computer system.

Old-fashioned politics: Hitting your opponent with a car

Sick of election coverage yet? Too bad, we got one more story for you! Luckily this doesn’t involve anything that actually matters. In fact, it’s in Indiana, the very center of where nothing happens.

Richard Yencer’s campaign for Yorktown, Indiana town council came to a crashing halt on Tuesday when, according to authorities, he hit an opponent with his car as the man was putting up signs at a polling site. Yencer then drove across a yard to escape. Police caught up with him later that day at another polling site. He’d been wanted for stealing political signs just a day before.

Also, he lost the election.