You Missed It: Seeing red edition

The biggest symbol of the Republican party: a fat, rich white guy who thinks he's a cowboy.
The biggest symbol of the Republican party: a fat, rich white guy who thinks he’s a cowboy.

I read this week that a Japanese whiskey was named the best in the world this year by the 2015 World Whisky Bible, which is put together by People Who Put Too Much Thought Into Drinks. What’s even more surprising is that not a single Scotch made the top five. Up is down, left is right, peanut butter is jelly. This is what happens when your entire nation wastes time debating leaving the U.K. instead of doing what it does best, making scotch. If you were busy pulling your hit record from Spotify this week, odds are you missed it.

Red tide
The tens of thousands of people who voted in the U.S. on Tuesday sent a clear message to Washington: “Do that thing where you read the Constitution again.” Republicans won handily in the House and Senate, and will take control of the legislative branch in January. Analysts say we can expect to see hundreds more symbolic votes against Obamacare, and a bunch of white guys looking lost during the State of the Union in a couple months.

The hazards of hiring contractors
This week, AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd was arrested and charged with trying to hire someone for murder in New Zealand. The charges were later reduced to threatening to kill, which is probably better. The original charge was “attempting to procure murder.” Doesn’t that sound, especially in New Zealand, like he was trying to find a wizard to make a murder spell?

Best. Protest. Ever.
Actress Keira Knightley posed topless for a magazine interview this week. She said it was done in protest of the manipulation of women’s bodies in magazines, ads and other things. I’d put a punchline in here, but you’re already googling the photos. See you next week!

Actions have repercussions

A man in Burlington, North Carolina, using the Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Pass, has already eaten there 95 times. It’s not even been two months. It took him just 6 weeks. Some websites are going with that as the headline. We at SG prefer a slightly more … truthful approach. Here are some examples:

  • “Burlington man has diarrhea 95 times”
  • “Burlington man eats 50/50 Italian food 95 times”
  • “Medical breakthrough: Burlington man manages to get diabetes in a month”

And some future headlines:

  • In March 2015: “Burlington man gets first case of super diabetes”
  • In late March 2015: “Burlington man dead from eating at the Olive Garden in under two months”

Adventurers Club of Los Angeles still not ready to talk to a girl

"You mean to say you didn't have a penis while losing your legs in Iraq? We're sorry, Rep. Duckworth, but the Adventurers Club finds you insufficiently adventurous."
“You mean to say that you didn’t have a penis while losing your legs in Iraq? We’re sorry, Rep. Duckworth, but the Adventurers Club finds you Insufficiently Adventurous.'”

For all their bluster about climbing the world’s tallest mountains, running in its longest races and hunting its most ferocious animals, the Adventurers Club of Los Angeles still can’t handle the mere idea of sitting in the same room with a girl every meeting.

The 93-year-old organization, which selects members based on the premise of “leaving the beaten path,” voted Thursday night to continue not allowing women to join their club. That would just be leaving the beaten path a little too far. [Warning: Their Web site has also not left the beaten path since 2000.]

We would be remiss to not mention that the He-Man No Girls Allowed Club does occasionally allow women who have sufficiently adventured enough to speak before them. We’re just not sure if they have to wear a false beard and lower their voices while presenting.

So, congratulations, you manly heroes, you. Maybe next year, you can vote on whether two guys accidentally touching knees under a table means they’re both super-homo-gay.