Month: January 2015

It snowed on Monday, and people were mad about it. They weren’t mad that they were inconvenienced, they were mad that they didn’t get as much snow as predicted. And by “they,” I mean New Yorkers. It was huge national news this week that people who live in one metropolitan area were upset they didn’t really get snowed in. They expected the rest of the nation to care. I don’t understand New York. If you were busy stonewalling the media all week long, odds are you missed it.

Third time isn’t the charm
After months of speculation Mitt Romney said he will not run for president again. Romney said it was time for him to stand aside and let someone else have a try. Also, he didn’t like the idea of living in such a small mansion. That means the GOP field will likely have Jeb Bush, running on the platform of “My last name is Bush;” Chris Christie, a noted Cowboys fan; or Rand Paul, who hangs out with neo-Confederates and says crazy things. See you in 2016, guys!

Time to get the carpet cleaned
This week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow gave some advice for the ladies out there that doctors don’t recommend: steam cleaning your vagina. She said on her website, grossly named GOOP, that she goes to a spa in Santa Monica to get a special herbal steam treatment on her lady bits. She said it’s “an energetic release–not just a steam douche–that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.” You know, I wasn’t that hungry, anyway.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced this week that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insist that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But I think we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves.

What’s a good way to screw up Valentine’s Day? Give no gift? How about giving the wrong gift?

If you answered yes to the latter, then you too will share the theory that the San Francisco Zoo does not want you to get laid.

For a nominal (and varying) donation amount, a person can adopt a scorpion or a hissing cockroach for their loved one for Valentine’s Day. Said person will then get a certificate of adoption and either a stuffed arachnid or plastic insects to show that whoever bought them this gift is a lousy person. The Zoo is even marketing the packages as gifts that can be given to ex-lovers.

You know what costs less than a donation amount? Death to the hissing cockroaches and death to the scorpions. It costs a lot less.

Freedom of expression is under attack in Texas.

Students at Texas Tech University spent a snowy day the way any other group of college kids would: they built a snow penis. It was tall, it had testicles, it was loved by all–that is until the school, armed with a bulldozer, came in to knock the phallus down. Students put up a brilliant defense of their creation, but in the end, fascism won.

Also, apparently it snows in Texas.

Johnny Depp, while on a press tour for his new movie, Mortdecai, said the reason he didn’t show up to previously scheduled press interview was because he fought a chupacabra in his hotel room.

We can only assume that he’ll use the skunk ape as the reason for why Mortdecai bombed so badly.

Stand tall, men–especially when you pee. We’ve won a victory in Germany, the bastion of dudes-sit-down-to-peeism.

In Dusseldorf, Germany, a judge has sided with a man who sued his landlord over withholding part of his security deposit. The landlord said that because the tenant, a man, who thus stands when he needs to make water, peed while upright, some of the splashes of uric acid that got on the marble ate away at the stone. The judge found that the tenant was not at fault. Stand up for your rights, men!

Bonus fun: In Germany guys who stand while they pee are called stehpinklers, and those who relinquish their birthrights and sit are called sitzpinklers. Germans have words for everything.

Let it be known that The Guys most certainly support beer, especially good beer. We have no problems whatsoever with craft-brewing (though some of us wouldn’t be against a certain writer on this site mailing out some of his batches). But at one point or another, we have to set our proverbial foot down.

Using Oregon sewer water for the purposes of creating beer feels as good a place as any.

Clean Water Services, a water treatment company, has asked the state to let it use water that will then be treated and recycled before being sent to The Oregon Brew Crew, a homebrew group that would use the water for beer creation. Said beer would then be used events but not sold at breweries.

Two Oregon health service organizations currently remain opposed to each others views. The Oregon Health Authority has approved the request but the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality remains mum.

Silence is golden, people.

While White House intruders aren’t really new, they are typically land-based intrusions. But now, they’re coming from the air, and they are kind of tipsy.

A quadcopter drone was found on the White House grounds on Monday morning, which set off some security concerns. Turns out, the threat was internal. An off-duty security officer, after having a few drinks, decided it was a good idea to try out his friend’s drone from the balcony of his apartment near the White House. But amazingly, he lost control.

He woke up the next morning to the news. Since he’s a federal employee, we’re just going to assume he’ll get promoted, rather than fired.

Welcome all of you to the last time any of you will really care about sports until all of you go back into your gambling habits in March Madness. We are here now to talk about the Super Bowl though, and we’re going to do so in the most mature way possible here at SG, by talking about balls, footballs, as much as humanly possible.

In order to properly analyze how this game will go through, we should let you know, that at no time are there multiple balls on the field. At any given point, Russell Wilson, Rob Gronkowski, Marshawn Lynch and Tom Brady will have only one ball, singular, in one or both of their hands. Continue reading Eat My Sports: It’s time for the Super Bowl … balls

In Springfield, Massachusetts, before the snow fell down, a fall went down on snow of the illicit variety. Last week, cops busted two men, seizing 2300 bags of heroin, almost 23 thousand dollars, and three handguns. One bag thrown into the backseat of a car had a thousand bags of heroin in it! That’s a great bust!

But local news being local news makes sure to lead with what really matters: almost 1400 bags had “Lucky Charms” stamped on them.

Keep aiming high for that local Emmy, guys.

We’ve all been there before: you’re toward the end of a romantic evening, going to make a move, when you can hold in a fart any longer, and the night is ruined. Fortunately, your relationship will eventually get to the point where neither of you cares about each other’s farts anymore. But if you can’t wait that long, there’s another solution.

A French inventor has a pill that will make your farts smell better, and he’s got a new scent just in time for Valentine’s Day. What is this romantic scent from a country known for its romance, made for the most romantic holiday of the year? Ginger. The sexy, sexy smell of ginger.

Not only will your farts smell great, they will calm your stomach, too.