Welcome back to the internet. Not you, I was talking to myself. During the holiday break, I did my best to avoid it, but I mostly focused on avoiding the news. I did a pretty good job, too. There was plenty of TV to watch and friends and family to interact with, and it seemed like everyone was on a week-long bender. Why not join them?
But despite my best efforts, some headlines still snuck into my awareness. I’d say it’s mostly because of social media and the various newsreader apps I have on my phone. This lead me to largely just read headlines and move on. Not only did this save me a lot of stress, it also kept me free to make some snap judgments on the headlines I saw.
Let’s take a look at what happened in my feed while we were out and my hot takes, in as best chronological order as I can remember. Whatever.
Sony to release The Interview online before Christmas
That’s great news! We beat those commie bastards again! Well, sort of. They’re still not putting it in theaters or anything. At least now when I don’t see it, it’s because I chose not to see it. That’s what freedom’s all about! More eggnog!
North Korea’s internet is down and no one has claimed responsibility
Man, those 25 North Koreans that own computers are going to be pissed. I bet it was the CIA that took ’em down, the Facebook comments agree. Moving on.
Obama golf trip forces Hawaiian wedding to be moved
That’s rough. I just went through the process of planning a wedding, and I can’t imagine having to relocate at the last minute. And to think, they had to move from one place in Hawaii to another place in Hawaii. Those pictures are going to be terrible. $10 says Mitch McConnell calls on Obama to apologize to the American people.
AirAsia jet goes missing over Java Sea
Merry Christmas, CNN, but it’s sad for everyone else. The timing of this particularly sucks for me, as I’m flying home. Better order a few cocktails from the stewardess. “I. Will not. Die. Sober.”
Bono says he may never play the guitar again
The universe aims for the jaw and hits the elbow instead. His guitar playing isn’t the problem. Now all the DJs at New Year’s Eve parties are going to play U2 songs like he died or something.
Sarah Palin, PETA beef over picture of child standing on dog
This is just sad, all around. And by “all around” I mean for everyone but the parties involved. When two faux-rage factories like PETA and Sarah Palin Inc. tangle with each other, there are no winners. We are all losers. Is there any beer left in the fridge from New Year’s?
Va. woman says she was ‘sex slave’ of British royal, Buckingham Palace denies
Ugh. I hate when people leak story arcs from the new season of Downton Abbey.