Day: January 9, 2015

It’s 2015 now, and that means we all start off fresh, right? No. That’s not how things work. The things that affected you before still have an effect on you now. You wake up on New Year’s Day with a hangover because of the booze you drank on New Year’s Eve. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try to change things. First, let’s stop focusing on the bad stuff in the news. You know how your grandparents who sit watching the news networks all day rant about the world coming to an end? We’re starting to all sound like that. Statistically, the world has never been a safer place. If you were busy making jokes about your rape allegations this week, odds are you missed it.

White men on campus
This week, Congress returned, looking slightly redder than it did last month. The fresh faces of new Republicans joined the worn-out, frustrated ones of lawmakers who had been there a while. One face that hasn’t been seen on Capitol Hill yet is that of Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, who injured himself exercising on New Year’s Day and is still recovering. And that’s why you should give up on your resolution to lose weight.

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it will run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove the city unmolested.

Study shows you can handle your booze
A study from the Centers for Disease Control this week found that an average of since Americans die per day from alcohol poisoning. Alcohol: still safer than driving a car.

Marvel in wonder as we rediscover the tomb of Osiris! Stare in awe as his unknown queen is DNA-investigated! Snicker in unison as it’s revealed that Osiris was given the gift of an eggcup!

“Dad, what the hell-”

“Look, we heard you and Isis were finally expecting a kid, but he’s a little, uh….”

“This is…. really offensive.”

“YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE WITH HORUS BUT YOU AREN’T HELPING”

The Pope is visiting the Philippines, and traffic cops are so excited they are soiling themselves.

Cops directing traffic in Manila will be required to wear adult diapers while Pope Francis is in town. There’s no reason given, but all the cops seem to be on board. It seems reasonable to say that the cops are expecting long shifts and don’t foresee bathroom breaks during them.

That means that the Popemobile may be brought back, if only so that His Holiness doesn’t have to deal with the smell.