You Missed It: Scientific advances edition

Guy's got game.
Guy’s got game.

The internet is many things. But I believe that decades from how historians will look back on it and just see it as “weird.” Take a look at what’s trending on Twitter on any given day and you’ll see. Yesterday was a two-fer. We had llamas on the run in Arizona, and a debate over the color of a dress. Machismo aside, I have no idea why people cared so much about that dress. I mean, at least the llama chase was fun to watch. There are countless optical illusions online, and this dress one went nuts for a day. Looks like it’s time to dust off the rights to Magic Eye. If you were busy legalizing marijuana this week, odds are you missed it.

‘The climate is changing … in my pants’
This week, Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (like you didn’t know that already), resigned amid sexual harassment claims. According to reports, Pachauri, 74, made unwelcome advances electronically toward several women. His go-to line: “Is the average temperature warming up from man-made causes in here, or is it just me?”

Bill Cosby is still touring for some reason
Embattled comedian Bill Cosby sent out a message to fans Friday before a performance in Louisiana. He thanked his fans for 53 years of their support, and said he couldn’t wait to see their smiling faces, and finished up his statement with, “Hey, Hey, Hey — I’m far from finished.” He then reminded his lady fans that his shows have a one-drink minimum.

Did the war even happen?
Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald found himself in trouble this week for lying about his service record. It was revealed that when he met a former special forces serviceman at an event supporting homeless people in Los Angeles, McDonald, an Army veteran, said he had served in special forces, too, when in fact he had not. McDonald apologized, and said he was actually with Brian Williams when his helicopter took fire.

We know the enemy and it is literate

For the longest time, one of the human race’s greatest strengths over animals has been the ability to read. After all, what better way to execute a plan than via message? We might not have that strength all to ourselves now.

A woman in Kentucky claims to have trained her dog to read. Mia, the Australian Shepherd, allegedly needed only four weeks to learn how to become literate. This could be a dangerous precedent. As chimpanzees can learn tool use through observation (warning: autoplay), who’s to say that dogs can’t learn such an ability, no matter how dumb they might be.

Even more worrying is that Mia’s trainer, Maureen Ward, claims to be able to teach any dog how to read in four weeks. Never has a race traitor been so flagrant in their arrogance.

Japanese have robot pets, doom us all

Look, a lot of weird news comes out of Japan. It makes sense that only the oddest of news would come all the way from over there. They probably only get the weirdest American news, which of course comes from Florida. But why is it that in Japan, it’s always about robots?

Sony has a line of artificial intelligence robot dogs, which is creepy enough. They can develop their own personalities and probably don’t need to be walked. But now, some people are so attached to their fake dogs that when they break, they mourn, and hold a funeral because they believe the robots have souls.

Folks, robots are like pitbulls, they can make OK pets, but never turn your back on them. We shouldn’t be getting emotionally attached to these things, we should be celebrating our ability to make complicated robots that break long before they can be a serious threat. Robot funerals should consist of nothing other than tossing them in molten metal.

MasterChugs Theater: Oscar 2015 Recap

Okay, let me start off first by apologizing: I never wrote a pre-Oscars piece for 2015. No predictions were made by me. In my defense:

  1. I was part of the people that kept getting snow dumped on me every week for two weeks (and it’s still happening).
  2. Being able to get giant amounts of sleep because you’re exhausted from shoveling snow and you’ve actually got a day off is a unique and wonderful experience.
  3. I forgot the actual date.

People, all I’ve got to offer is lo siento. That said, I did watch the Oscars. Let’s talk about them, shall we? Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Oscar 2015 Recap

Evil laughs now only cost under a grand

Being able to be a dictator of a third-world country just got a lot cheaper.

Okay, granted, Hungary isn’t exactly a third-world, but it ain’t exactly an economic superpower. And like all countries in the world, money can still be a little hard to come by. As such, the Hungarian village of Megyer is offering up its services for sale. And by its services, I mean being in charge of the entire village.

For just a scant 690 euros (or 750 dollars in real, American, non-moon money), a body can get for a day:

seven guesthouses that sleep 39 people, four streets, a bus stop, a barn, a chicken yard, six horses, two cows, three sheep and four hectares (10 acres) of farmland — along with the possibility of temporarily being named deputy mayor

That’s a lot of stuff in the year 1543! The mayor of the village is even encouraging the renters to have a bottle of rose wine among the silence of the countryside. And therein lies the draw. What they’re not encouraging is what a renter can’t do.

Oppression of a society of people? White slave trade? Drug smuggling? Testing out chemical weapons? We won’t judge.

Joanie openly loves married Chachi

We're reporting live from Joanie's pelvis, and it appears that Chachi is unprotected.
We’re reporting live from inside Joanie’s pelvis, and it appears that Chachi is unprotected.

A South Korean court overturned a law that made adultery a criminal offense, punishable by fines or (rarely) jail time. And, seemingly overnight, at least one condom manufacturer saw stock prices surge as high as allowed for the day.

Now, The Guys are students of human behavior. It’s not like married South Koreans weren’t sleeping around. The government could have punished adultery with life imprisonment, facial branding and genital amputation and — based on the number of stonings, honor killings and damning embroidery in more punitive societies — people would still cheat on their spouses.

So, if human nature is as it has always been, then increased condom sales indicates that they’re just now using protection. Ewwww.

Fight dementia with beer today

Drinking is good for you. And if you drink, there’s a good chance you’ll remember that fact long into your old age.

According to researchers in China, a chemical in beer helps ward off degenerative diseases. A study found that xanthohumol, a chemical found in hops, might help brain cells from oxidative stress that can lead to dementia. That means that while you may not remember how many beers you had last night, there’s a better chance you’ll remember your grandchildren’s names later in life.

And yet our own Rick Snee doesn’t like hoppy beers. So if he starts posting jokes from 2008, just roll with it.

Take it from Snee: Self-mummification beats self-immolation

It'd be really fun if this was one of those little 6" tall statues you can buy in head shops.
It’d be really fun if this was one of those little 6 inch tall statues you can buy in head shops.

Despite what that guy who stocks the bulk barrels at Whole Foods tells you, Buddhism is freakin’ brutal. From Kung Fu to self-immolation to protest war, Buddhist monks have been on a thousand year, testicle-abusing mission to prove that they are not David Carradine. And now we have a new bar to rate their metalness: self-mummification just so that the other monks have something to worship.

The Internet’s sudden infatuation with a mummy found inside of a Buddha statue allll the way back in 1996 (so pre-Hamster Dance) has raised awareness of self-mummification, a now illegal process in which Buddhist monks crash diet until crunchy.

And it makes sense why we’d be interested. The Buddha Statue Mummy intersects the Internet’s interests in morbid curiosity and a weight loss program that actually works.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Self-mummification beats self-immolation

Capitalism takes the weather by the spurs

Perhaps you live on the East Coast and were subject to the snow that all of us experienced. How crappy was that, hmm? It was probably even worse if you lived in the Northeastern section of the country. New England, I’m hollering at’cha! Having legendary amounts of snow dumped on you puts a damper on everything.

But not if you’re Kyle Waring. Waring has set up an online store where he’ll sell to you “historic Boston snow” in a water bottle. Mind you, you’ll end up getting water in a water bottle,  but hey, it’s about the experience, right?

Well, for a small nominal upcharge of 70 dollars, Kyle can just about guarantee you getting snow rather than water in the mail. Now that’s service!

The greatest game ever tanked

Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world's most corrupt high school basketball programs!
Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world’s most corrupt high school basketball programs!

We thought we saw the pinnacle of women taking dives back in the 2012 Olympics during badminton. We were wrong.

Two girls prep school basketball teams from Murfreesboro, Tenn. — Riverdale, a state champion in 2013, and Smyrna — were caught deliberately trying to out-tank each other for an easier playoff opponent. As each team tried harder and harder to lose, the play got so embarrassing that refs stopped the game after a Smyrna player tried to shoot at her own hoop.

Both teams have been fined $1500 each, which is a lot of car washes and candy bar sales, and placed on probation for one year.

The winners, as always, are the parents and spectators, who will now have one less round of high school basketball to pretend to enjoy.

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bounce-passing this our way.]