The McBournie Minute: Ban acceptance speeches

For the past several years, my wife and I have gone to an Oscars viewing party hosted by friends. We all fill our ballots and eat and drink. The hosts are huge into movies, and have usually seen most, if not all, of the movies up for an award–even the foreign ones and animated shorts, which no one ever sees.

It reminds me that I haven’t seen that many movies, which I was already clear about this year. But it also reminds me that the show isn’t really for me, it’s for the cinephiles like them. That’s not necessarily a bad thing in theory. But take into account that ratings really sucked last night, which means we’re watching other things. We’re bored by award shows.

That’s why we need to ban acceptance speeches.

There’s something odd about award shows and modern society. It’s not that no one cares about them, they’re all anyone talks about the morning after. It’s just so boring. As I previously mentioned, I saw maybe two of the dozen-plus films that were up for various awards. And if this year is anything like last year, I’m in good company. But that’s not really the issue. We’ll see these movies once they’re on Netflix. The problem is that the shows are so long, with nothing really happening. Let’s cut down on the running time by killing acceptance speeches.

The winners can still go up on stage and accept their awards, but they don’t get to talk anymore. Smile, wave and GTFO. This cut thes risk of Kanye West charging the stage as effectively as not inviting him, and it saves us all from watching people rattle off a litany of thank yous. The winners can thank people during one of the 20 other times a microphone will be shoved in their faces later than night.

We all think wage equality is a great idea and all, especially after seeing a bunch of millionaires applaud the idea like they just heard of it, but some of us have to go to work in the morning. Let’s move this along.

Instead, show longer clips of the movies that are up for awards, that way all the people at home have some idea of who is in what and who to root for. I had literally never heard of Whiplash until last night, and judging from what I saw, it’s about a mean music teacher. It’s hard for me to be happy for J.K. Simmons winning best supporting actor based just off of that. Instead, I remembered how he was snubbed for nominations for that award for his work in Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2.

There’s already been a lot written about how so many, more well-known movies were snubbed this year. I think it’s even worse how Dick Poop was robbed of his cinematography Oscar this year. Should the academy adopt my acceptance speech ban, I say that Mr. Poop be grandfathered in. He deserves his day.

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