Day: March 20, 2015

It’s March Madness time again. It’s the time where everyone acts like they care about basketball, much less college basketball, and the nation looks the other way on illegal gambling. We have to act like we care about it, because for a few weeks, it’s everywhere. CBS has every single one of its networks airing as many games as possible, some of which feature commentary by Charles Barkley for some reason. All of this coverage, and the ad revenue it brings in, and not one cent for mental illness research. I call that a sham. If you were busy filling out a bracket this week, odds are you missed it.

Bag-o-wine: The silent killer
This week, a class-action lawsuit was filed against 30 California winemakers, the ones that make the cheap stuff your girlfriend and her drunk friends always get. They lawsuit claims that the cheap wines have more arsenic in them than should be fit for public consumption. So if you care about your health and your wallet, drink liquor.

A Schocking turn of events
This week, Rep. Aaron Schock, R-Ill., said he plans to resign from Congress amid a scandal involving improper funding for campaigns and travel, as well as failure to report gifts of money from donors. The FBI investigation is a black eye for what is otherwise seen as the incorruptible state of Illinois. Schock’s pending resignation also leaves Congress without its most rockingly-named member. That honor now falls to, you guessed it, Rep. Rodney P. Frelinghuysen, R-N.J.

Still better than Vegas Vacation
Actor and noted crazy person Randy Quaid posted his a new video online this week, his latest in a series of ranty videos from his hideout somewhere in Canada. In it, he rants about how Rupert Murdoch hasn’t thanked him properly for his work in Independence Day. He then has his wife put on a Murdoch mask and simulates having sex with her. What’s worse, is that it’s mostly the same stuff he and his wife have done in previous videos. Does anyone not see this story ending in a muder-suicide?

In the quest for a new gimmick, brewers keep looking to the stars.

We’ve seen beer brewed from grains grown in space, we’ve seen beer brewed with moon dust, and we’ve even seen attempts to brew beer in space. Now, it’s time for the next giant leap in drinking until you feel weightless: space yeast.

Oregon’s Ninkasi Brewing has launched vials of yeast into space, then retrieved them, and come up with an imperial stout. While this brings space beer to new heights, the real accomplishment is that the company refrained from saying that the beer is “out of this world.”

Geese are jerks. Just, straight up jerks. I mean, a lot of animals are annoying, but geese seem to think that everything they see is theirs. How jerky is that? They’ve even taken over a park in Denver. Like the great prophet Stephanie Tanner once said, “how rude!”

But not for long. Tim Eubanks, owner of an animal control company, has proposed using border collies to round up and control the geese. Ending the tyranny of one enemy while keeping another enemy under our boot? How delightfully genius.

If you’re wondering what President Obama’s plans are for after 2018, let’s just say he’s definitely moving to Hawaii to become a private investigator/mustache farmer. Some guy with some connection to the president bought the estate used in Magnum, P.I. as “Robin’s Nest.”

We’re certain that President Obama will be welcome to stay as long as he likes, contrary to however Higgins feels about it. And, should he ever get kicked out, he can crash at Rick’s Cafe American, which will most likely be run by Joe Biden by that point.