Day: March 23, 2015

A dad in Baton Rouge, La., walked into his kitchen on Sunday morning to drink orange juice and shoot butts, only to discover that he was all out of orange juice. After an argument with his 18-year-old son led to a broken vase, police report that he chased his son outside and allegedly fired a handgun three times, hitting him in the buttocks.

Police video forensics have assembled the following reenactment of the altercation that led to the shooting:

The victim should be recovering as his wounds were reported as non-life-threatening. He’s — at the very least — doing as well as anyone with four butt holes can.

Arby’s, who for the longest time had only one job to do and didn’t even do that job right, is now selling both reuben sandwiches and a variation of the reuben they call “the Rachel.” And because fate is a cruel and fickle monkey-lord, a Rachel and a Reuben are getting married. Not only that, they’re both fans of Arby’s.

As Arby’s would like to have publicity that is not restricted to fake Twitter accounts and spending time on the toilet, they hosted an engagement party for the two at one of their locations and donated an engagement ring.

Their marriage may potentially be fleeting, but at least they’ll have the memories.

Ladies, if you want your husband to stay happy with you, don’t look so dumpy. We’re not saying it, Eva Mendes is.

Mendes, who is in fact a woman in movies that women like, such as Hitch and the Fast and the Furious movies, said that wearing sweatpants around the house is the No. 1 cause of divorce. So we guess you ladies should heed her advice.

Again, that’s her advice, we’re not saying anything.