Eat My Sports: You’re into college basketball? How very hipster of you

Admit it, none of you cared about NCAA basketball until last Thursday. I don’t care how many stats or players you can rattle off now that you’ve done the bare minimum amount of research to fill out a bracket. You did not know who any of these teams or people were (outside of UVA and Kentucky) until you had to.

The most annoying part of March mental illness is that it makes the most casual basketball fan into your local area hipster. You know, the guy with the beard and snow cap at your local area craft beer bar that judges and has an opinion on everything. “Oh, you drink Sam Adams, it was great before they sold out. Now let me tell you something about Georgia State’s three point shooting this year.” Continue reading Eat My Sports: You’re into college basketball? How very hipster of you

Poop potentially at the center of a dark conspiracy

According to Amy Goldberg, her neighbor has allowed her dog to use Goldberg’s front lawn as a toilet for quite some time now. It’s been brought up, but the neighbor’s done nothing to fix the situation. Here’s where things get tricky.

The neighbor accuses Goldberg of smearing fresh dog feces over the neighbor’s face. Ew. Goldberg says that the neighbor self-smeared the brown squat. Double ew. If true, that’s going the unneeded extra mile, don’t you think.

Boy, the whole situation sure is nutty, isn’t it?

Dear Diary, it’s me, George Zimmerman

Zimmerman stressed that he feels absolutely no regret or remorse for extinguishing a human life, which is the exact amount of  introspection to put you on the Fox & Friends couch between Steve and Brian.
Zimmerman stressed that he feels absolutely no regret or remorse for extinguishing a human life, which is the exact amount of introspection to put you on the Fox & Friends couch between Doocy and Kilmeade.

George Zimmerman, who was acquitted of all charges related to the 2012 shooting of Trayvon Martin, released a video with his lawyer’s help on Monday. In it, he blames President “Barack Hussein Obama” as the person most responsible for all racial tension towards him. He also compares himself to Anne Frank for their shared ability to “believe that people are truly good at heart” before shooting them.

This is the second weirdest audition tape that Fox news has received since Geraldo Rivera filmed 14 consecutive Vine videos of himself twirling his mustache at a teachers’ union meeting.

Please don’t throw away grenades

Here in America, we take a lot of things for granted, because we’re a world superpower and we haven’t fought a war on our own soil in like a century. That’s why we generally don’t worry about people disposing of explosives in their morning trash.

Serbia can’t say the same. The Serbian government has asked its people not to throw away hand grenades or other wartime munitions they may have lying around. The government recently passed tighter restrictions on privately held weapons, which has given rise to fears that people will dump their leftover munitions to avoid punishment.

It’s estimated that hundreds of thousands of munitions are privately held, but if Obama gets re-elected, they’ll probably try to bring that number down to zero.