MasterChugs Theater: ‘Furious 7/Furious Seven’

You might notice that there appear to be two different names for this movie. There’s a reason for that. See, at the ticket counters and at IMDB, the movie is listed as Furious 7; however, upon the title appearing in the movie, it read Furious Seven.

If this is an issue for you, stop while you’re ahead. Those are my only words of help for you. This is going to be a slightly different review.

There’s nothing I can tell you that will make you go see Furious 7 if you already don’t want to see it. And that’s okay. If you have the slightest desire to see any of the scenes of the movie, go out and see the movie. That will also be okay.

The plot is what it is. The acting is what it is. You’re not watching it for either of those reasons. You’re watching it to turn off your brain and go “tee hee hee go boom.” Allow me to give some observations from when I watched Furious 7 in the theater:

  • There is a glaring plothole involving the apparent lack of fast military response in what is arguably the second most famous city in the United States when a foreign military helicopter appears.
  • Dialogue for Vin Diesel is nothing but cliches.
  • James Wan is attempting to become a Michael Bay Jr. with his camera work. He’s succeeding.
  • Michelle Rodriguez seems to have taken part in more fights taking place on stairs than anyone else in film history.
  • People know that Diesel has a rich background in D&D, but Jason Statham might have him topped, as he has to be using a bag of holding filled with nothing but explosive hockey pucks.
  • The skydiving cars bit seen in the trailers made me white-knuckle, but that’s probably due more to my basophobia than anything else.
  • The Lykan Hypersport is a real car and is NO JOKE. Daddy want.
  • I fear that I may have been the only person in my theater ironically laughing at some scenes and lines.
  • In what might be the most interesting twist, you’re never really sure if the movie is maybe just one giant parody of the entire franchise.

All of the movies in the Fast and Furious franchise are not what you would call films. They’re almost not even movies. What they are, though, are the most pure embodiment of the term ‘flicks:’ the action-heavy, plot-light, watch that go boom bits of celluloid that you see in a large, air-conditioned room with other people. Outside of porn, they trigger the lizard brain portion of our brains better than anything else. And that’s also okay.

I give the movie 12 sleeves off out of 5 Vin Diesel shirts.