You Missed It: State of paranoia edition

Gov. Greg Abbott, seen here in between sessions of furious masturbation watching ads for "Texas Rising," a TV event coming to History this Memorial Day. Check your local listings.
Gov. Greg Abbott, seen here in between sessions of furious masturbation watching ads for “Texas Rising,” a TV event coming to History this Memorial Day. Check your local listings.

Every now and then, corporate America latches on to a song and decides we need to hear it a million times — not just on the radio, but in ads, too. Right now, it’s that damn “Renegades” song by a band you’ve never heard of. The worst part about a band selling out and putting their song in a commercial to make it big is that commercials run about five times every half hour. I wouldn’t complain if commercials went back to using faux-dubstep or their best impression of a Black Keys song. If you were busy releasing a report on the dumbest sports controversy ever this week, odds are you missed it.

No one wants Dallas
This week, the Pentagon had to explain that an upcoming training exercise involving special forces is not an attempt by the federal government to take over Texas, after Gov. Greg Abbott told the state national guard to monitor the operation and ensure that citizens’ rights aren’t infringed upon. Oh Texas, you’re so cute when you think you’re not a conquered people.

Meanwhile, in sports everyone has an opinion about
Following his loss to noted domestic abuser Floyd Mayweather, boxer Manny Pacquiao is facing a $5 million lawsuit for not disclosing his shoulder injury, which he will have operated on. People are upset that they bet money on a fighter without knowing everything about his condition. Folks, putting money on the outcome of a sporting event is called a gamble, not an investment.

Woman gives birth
Hey, remember that country we fought a couple wars against a couple centuries ago? They were all tyrannical and stuff? As it turns out, in the 21st century, they still have a family that tax dollars pay for to live in palaces and travel the world. I know, right! Not only that, but apparently they had a kid this week. What’s that? Oh, I don’t know. I think it was a girl or something probably.

Australia’s Sex Party gets cockblocked

Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.
Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.

Like the bitter reality of orgies, it’s not looking good for Australia’s Sex Party. The only thing we know about Australian politics took a blow Thursday when they lost their registration in the Australian Election Commission. This means that, although they can still field candidates, there will be no more Sexy names on ballots or Sexy federal funding.

The problem is that, to maintain their registration, they need to either have an elected representative in the federal government or prove that they have at least 500 members. But, because most of their members don’t have home phone numbers and move around a lot, they’re having trouble keeping their confirmed numbers up.

Well, Australia, you’re not the only ones who lose if you no longer have a Sex Party. The Guys need to know that there are still sexy times in the world. So, we’re calling on all members of the Australian Sex Party to make yourselves known as publicly as possible. Get out there and show how many of you there truly are in your terrifying country.

That’s right: we’re calling for Handjobs Across Australia.

Survey: Social media leads to spouses unfriending each other

Married people: get off of social media right now. It’s going to end your marriage.

According to a survey by a law firm in the U.K., social media has caused a significant number of divorces. About 14% of Brits surveyed said they had thought about filing for divorce because of something their spouse did online. Even worse, 25% of those surveyed said they had fights weekly about social media use, and 17% said they fought with their spouse about it every day. Every. Day.

If you and your spouse are fighting about stuff you post on a stupid site on a daily basis, it might be time to block them.