If you give a chimp bananas foster …

Chimps are also learning language so that they can ask us to stick our heads in the oven for 10 - 15 minutes before they attempt to eat our faces.
Chimps are also learning language so that they can ask us to stick our heads in the oven for 10 – 15 minutes before they attempt to eat our faces.

As humans, we used to be privileged. While animals have always been able to poop outside and reach their genitals for a “bath,” humans enjoyed rights that were special to only us. We got to hunt with guns. We got to wear hip glasses instead of eating our near-sighted young. We got to eat cooked food, not the raw termites and cans of Alpo that animals were OK with.

But no more! Now chimpanzees would like to send their steak back, please, this is under cooked for their tastes, even if the menu says medium rare means a warm red center. Yep, they want cooked food now, but they can’t do it themselves. Guess who’s gonna cook it for them? People, and maybe not even just women.

Fortunately, humans are still occasionally gaining a right over animals. Namely, we’re the only ones allowed to swim with babes in wetsuits now. Eat it, whales! Eat it raw!

Ho ho ho, dude

Why is Santa Claus always in such good spirits? Turns out he’s high all the time.

The city council of North Pole, Alaska (which really is a town) rejected a ban on medical marijuana shops within the city. During the council meeting, officials were no doubt swayed by the testimony of, and this is true, a North Pole resident named Santa Claus, who said he is a medical marijuana patient and doesn’t want to have to drive to Fairbanks.

“O Christmas Tree” has a whole new meaning.