I was going to start off this year with a column about things that are certain to happen. I had some pretty good ideas, too. But then some white dudes in Oregon decided to play fort over the weekend. So I’ll write about that instead. It’s what everyone seems to be talking about, and without publishing my predictions, I can say I totally called something without the hassle of backing it up. So when Donald Trump flames out in the primaries this year, I totally called it, bro.
We’re not even a week into 2016, and we’ve already got a fun news story to distract us from crappy news from overseas. It’s also something that your friends on Facebook can get upset about, because that’s all people use it for these days, and there hasn’t been much news out there lately.
This protest is the greatest thing to happen this year. And here’s why.
In recent years, we’ve seen protests violent and nonviolent from minorities seeking to draw attention to what they see as a system that ignores their grievances. These aren’t fun, because there’s a real message being communicated, whether you agree with it or not. People uniting under banners to express their displeasure with, for example, being shot by police, is jarring for those who don’t understand it. But we learn about the problem and we push our leaders to make improvements.
We don’t have to do that here.
Do you have any idea what this armed takeover of a federal building is about? I don’t. It’s happening in Oregon. Aside from craft beer, I don’t think I’ve ever concerned myself with the goings on of Oregonians. I don’t really like Portlandia, that’s how much I ignore the state.
As far as I can tell, a bunch of white dudes with guns broke into an office building at a federal wildlife refuge, for the same reason people like this do this: they are paranoid about something or other, and think this will catch on. Apparently the family that was involved in some sort of land dispute a couple years ago no one remembers is involved. That should give you an indication of the level of intelligence going on here.
So some guys with an unorthodox interpretation of the U.S. Constitution decided their big protest would be to take over a federal building. Their plan was good up until this point. They then chose to more or less walk into an administrative office building when everyone was home for the holiday weekend. This building is located in a wildlife refuge. They picked a building in the middle of 187,800-acre swath of land no one really goes to in the first place. Saying these whackos have “taken over” the refuge is like saying you can take over the Empire State Building by locking yourself in the lobby bathroom, except people actually go to and work at the skyscraper.
What are they going to do? Threaten to burn all the sightseeing pamphlets?
These geniuses also chose to stage their grand coup at the very beginning of winter, you know, because people love going to public parks when in the stinging wind and driving snow. That’s how you maximize the impact of your protest.
Terrorists are probably thrilled we’re not including these losers in their camp because of their color.
Apparently some of them have moved in their kids, making for the worst winter break ever. The brave militiamen have even said they’ll defend themselves with their weapons if needed. That’s great, because so far, no one really cares. The FBI is monitoring the situation, but local and state law enforcement aren’t patrolling the area. These Red Dawn wannabes are throwing a big party and no one’s bothering to show up.
This protest is great because we don’t have to take it seriously. This problem will solve itself if we let it, because, for once, The Man isn’t the problem, it’s them. We don’t care about their message, if they ever decide on one, which completely negates the purpose of having a protest in the first place.
So keep making fun of these idiots. There are a lot of problems we need to face, but the supposed oppression of gun-toting paranoid white guys isn’t one of them. We can keep laughing at #Yallqueda and #VanillaISIS, because we deserve it. And with any luck, we can force Donald Trump into their occupied storage closet once he’s defeated.