For years, white people have wondered when we would get our own history month. As we look around from the window of not-a-jail-cell, we see Black History Month, Black Entertainment Television, the Source Awards, and yet all we get are some lousy Oscars, 42-out-of-43 presidents and rehab.
Well, it’s high time we bucked up. There is a White History Month, Virginia, and there’s only a week left of it. So, let’s get celebrating!
[OK, so if you’re new to this site, you’re probably here to explain why we don’t need a White History Month. And, I agree with you: the other 11 months of the year work just fine as is, and giving honkies our own month is one of those lame #ALLlivesmatter responses to merely suggesting we learn about anyone else’s contributions to the world.
But, if we look at actual behavior, then I think we can all agree that there is a White History Month. And it’s definitely March.]
So, why March …?
It contains the only white cultural holiday
It’s no coincidence that Black History Month just happens to contain Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday. He’s the only black person we can quote who wasn’t a Wu Tang Clan member, so it’s simpler for everyone to keep it tight.
Likewise, March contains the pretty much only universally recognized celebration of a white culture: St. Patrick’s Day. It’s the one time of year when white people:
- Compare lineage and geneology. Every white person becomes Alex Haley at tracing their roots after a few drinks in a cop bar (a.k.a., “Irish pub”).
- Get butthurt over how you pronounce a white guy’s name. Is it St. Patty or St. Paddy? Even though the guy was named both Patrick and Padroig, we just love to be the ones to correct people for cultural insensitivity for once.
- Dance in public. Pride Week doesn’t count.
October used to be a runner up, what with Columbus Day and Major League Baseball playoffs. But, it fell out the competition after (a) Italians started slacking on Columbus Day like the rest of us and (b) MLB started importing Dominicans to make baseball watchable again. (Although, shipping in Caribbean people to work is kind of a white tradition …)
It celebrates college basketball
While nearly everyone watches college basketball in March, white people just don’t really watch professional basketball. (Except Mark Cuban and our own Bryan Schools, of course.)
White people just think it’s more “authentic” and “pure” when college athletes, mostly black, are unpaid for their work. After all, they’re getting something better: a white Catholic education from schools like Georgetown and Gonzaga.
So, “March Madness” describes the anger white people feel when the guy who blew their bracket signs an NBA contract and buys some rims.
It falls immediately after Black History Month
What? You thought we could just let Black History Month go immediately unanswered? White people spent a month pretending to care about the guy who invented the traffic light and occasionally being reminded about slavery.
In March, though, we can all magically pretend that we’re Irish and, therefore, our ancestors were either too poor to own slaves or came to America after it was abolished. Oh, and some of our ancestors might have been indentured servants, too.
It doesn’t matter that almost none of us are purely Irish. Or that indentured servants arrived earlier than slaves and had a hand in creating the race-based slave system that gave us Roots. Or even that our later-arriving ancestors came here because of a better economic system that was built on not paying two-thirds of Southerners for producing cotton and other crops for nearly 400 years.
What matters is that we stop living in the past. Except in March. Then us white people are going to live the sh*t out of it.