Science: some people ‘bowling alley beautiful’

When running for office, never be seen with your more handsome "doppelganger."
When running for office, never be seen with your more handsome “doppelgänger.”

Some people are just naturally, ungodly beautiful in any setting, next to anyone. These are the people we destroy by turning them into celebrities because, like a race car, what’s the point of owning anything beautiful if you don’t run it into a wall or two.

For the rest of us, we’re all also beautiful in that Ray Stevens sense — as in, in the proper context. According to actual research, anyone can rate as more generally attractive by being the most attractive person around or in a group.

For instance, think of Marco Rubio. Next to Saved by the Bell‘s Mario Lopez, Rubio looks like Bert and Ernie’s in vitro Muppet son. (Lopez is only two years younger, proving how fickle the gods are with bestowing handsomeness.)

Now, put him on stage in a herd of doughy guys ranging from Chris Christie to John Kasich, and he looks like one of their interns snuck on stage.

With the right crowd, you can easily win F*ck, Marry, Kill, Kill, Kill Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill or Kill.
With the right crowd, you can easily win F*ck, Marry, Kill, Kill, Kill Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill or Kill.

This effectively disproves the Roadie Theory, which is that, one day, the lead singer, guitarist, drummer and bass player will all one day decide not to have sex with someone, which means you’re in. Unfortunately, in that crowd, you probably rank lower than, “Uber home, turn in early.”

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Rick Snee

Through his writing for SeriouslyGuys, Rick Snee has alternately been accused of being: a liberal, a conservative, three different spellings of "moron," some old grump, a millennial know-nothing and -- on one occasion -- a grave insult to a minor deity in some obscure pantheon (you probably haven't heard of it). Really, he's just one of The Guys, y'know?