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The McBournie Minute: Get excited for ballot measures

After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!

You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.

So let’s take a look at some of the big issues out there. As I did two years ago, I’ll tell you which way you should vote tomorrow.

Issue: Whether to require pornographic film actors to wear condoms (California)
With an ongoing state budget crisis, a drought of historical proportions and sports fans in the state murdering each other in parking lots, California is finally tackling the most important problem: dudes not wrapping it up when boning on film for cash. The proposal would require male actors to wear condoms in scenes involving vaginal or anal sex. This seems link a stupid idea. When you’re looking for a fantasy, you don’t want to be reminded of real-world issues. Entertainment comes (har!) before anything else. Did Evel Knievel work with a net?

How to vote: No.

Issue: Whether to expand state property tax exemptions for senior citizens (Florida)
Yeah, we’re going from adult films to property taxes, strap in, folks. Florida, the California of the East Coast, is considering loosening up its property tax exemption requirements for senior citizens, so that more old people qualify. Florida exists mostly on a meth-based economy, which you may know isn’t taxed. That’s why it’s important that the state tax what few legal industries exist within its borders, like tourism and taking in retirees. Besides, we coddle our senior citizens. They talk about how hard it was back in their day, then demand free healthcare, discounts to movies and Longmire to stay on the air. They are a burden on society. I say we tax ’em!

How to vote: No.

Issue: Whether to allow the sale of beer and wine seven days a week (Oklahoma)
This ballot measure would actually be an overhaul of the Oklahoma laws regarding the sale of alcohol, but being able to sell “full-strength” beer and wine all week long is the biggie. First off, I don’t want to live anywhere that won’t let me buy alcohol whatever day I choose. Keep big government out of my fridge. Secondly, what’s this “full-strength” stuff? Do they only sell half strength beer on Sundays? That’s not right. Thirdly, does this mean that it’s been legal for liquor to be sold seven days a week, but beer and wine have had to sit it out on the Lord’s Day? I think you knew which way I was going to go on this issue before you started reading.

How to vote: Yes.

Issue: Whether to allow state judges to work past the age of 75 (Oregon)
Back in 1960, Oregon voters decided to make their state judges hang up the robes when they reached 75. Now they’re wondering if they should lift it. When was the last time you talked to someone over 75-years-old? In less than five minutes, they say something that’s wildly incorrect about society because they either saw it on Fox News or just have outdated notions in their head. You have to smile and nod, then change the subject, because you know you can’t argue with them. Do you want these people to decide your sentence?

How to vote: No.

Issue: Whether to ban slavery for criminals (Colorado)
Back in 1865, we as a country decided in a calm and peaceful manner that slavery was probably not a good thing and should be banned. Colorado wasn’t a state back then. So when it did enter statehood in 1876, no one thought to check whether the new state’s constitution said it was A-OK to exempt prisoners from that whole emancipation thing. It is legal in the state to make inmates work and not pay them a cent. Call me a softy, but I think people should be paid for doing work unless they’re interns. And when those inmates are finally released back into society, they will need to rebuild their lives and adjust to society. That’s why they will need weed money.

How to vote: Yes.

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