Eat My Sports: Alternative Facts Edition

Here at SeriouslyGuys, we don’t like to beat a dead horse, we like to beat that horse until we have to be pulled off that thing a la Michael Bolton in Office Space. That being said, like many of you know, or just plain don’t want to admit, Donald Trump was sworn in as our nation’s 45th president last Friday. Depending on your view of the first five days he’s been in office, you’re either really happy, really sad, or just dying of laughter from the deliriousness you feel.

For those of you who feel the latter, Trump and his cronies have been giving you almost a week’s worth of gems. These include Trump saying there were 3.5 million cases of voter fraud in last November’s election (with no sources or facts to back the claim up), Denis Leary lookalike, Kellyanne Conway’s “alternative facts” pivot, and the man who took press conference classes from Roger Goodell after the Ray Rice debacle, Sean Spicer, who in addition to hating Dippin’ Dots also “can disagree with facts.”

But Bryan, this is a sports column, stick to your lane. Forgive me, I digress. I forgot people are uncomfortable when these two entities bleed together. But I do have a point of cultural relevance.

The University of Tennessee’s student newspaper decided to have an “alternative facts” section in their sports section with some made up facts about the school’s basketball team history. In honor of this all-time great troll, we’ll give you some national alternative facts to some recent sports stories.

*In addition to leading the Patriots to a 36-17 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday, Tom Brady became the first quarterback in the Super Bowl era to do so shirtless, while riding a flying unicorn.

*Falcons head coach Dan Quinn said he has no fear of facing the Pats in Super Bowl LI because of the success he had when his Seahawks beat New England two years ago, when Marshawn Lynch ran the ball in from the one-yard line as time ran out in the fourth quarter.

*Russell Westbrook was named an All-Star game starter after averaging a triple double for the first half of the season.

*Tiger Woods is gearing up to play four events over the next month, and credits abstinence as the way he was able to re-gain his focus.

*Despite an abrupt end to the season, Packer fans in no way blame Olivia Munn for their quarterback reverting back to a pumpkin after being the best player of all-time for seven weeks. Just like fans of Munn will not hate Rodgers when he takes her off the market and has a family wedding.

Stay classy, Vols.