Chemical colonization of Earth complete!

Look at ’em — getting all high and fat on our chemical brilliance. You’re welcome, Sebastian.

Congratulations, human beings! It only took us 10,000 years, but there is now no place on the face of the Earth that has not been changed by us! From garbage left on the highest summits of our mightiest mountains to now the deepest depths of the ocean, no place can escape our incredible reach. And we learned the latter because we’ve colonized the Mariana Trench with polychlorinated biphenyls.

Scientists discovered the PCBs in amphipods — shrimplike crustaceans —  brought back to the surface. Not only did we find our chemicals inside of them (free of charge), but at higher levels than in similar crustaceans found in polluted Chinese waters. So, we’re crushing it even harder as a species than we knew was even possible.

What’s even more exciting is that we didn’t even discover PCBs until 1865 or start using them until 1881. So, did we say 10,000 years? Because we meant 136, bee-yotch! The Industrial Revolution is still winning the War on Animals!

Now we just need to find life on another planet and beat that time!

Published by

Rick Snee

Through his writing for SeriouslyGuys, Rick Snee has alternately been accused of being: a liberal, a conservative, three different spellings of "moron," some old grump, a millennial know-nothing and -- on one occasion -- a grave insult to a minor deity in some obscure pantheon (you probably haven't heard of it). Really, he's just one of The Guys, y'know?