The McBournie Minute: We need more bailouts

For the past several weeks, Congress has been handing out money like candy on Halloween. (Technically, it’s been doing this since 1787, but let’s stick to today.) Banks, car manufacturers and the banks again have put on their best costumes and knocked on Congress’ door. Lawmakers have been only too happy to give what the executives want, mostly because they look so cute in their little outfits.

Since the Congressional lottery continues, I have come up with a few other things that are worth of billion-dollar bailouts. Should I ever be called to testify, I would be happy to make my case. Until then, this new device, this series of tubes will have to do.

The Mafia
For too long, these guys have been down and out. Aside from the Racketeer Influenced Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act, the most hurtful blow dealt to the mob was the death of the Rat Pack. They made walking around in a tuxedo with a smug look on your face the thing to do. They also had some pretty good music.

Say what you will about the Russian, Japanese and Latin mobs and cartels, they just don’t have the same style and mystique to them as the Italian mob. Look at it this way: who has produced better movies? The Godfather, Goodfellas, Donnie Brasco, etc. compared to Eastern Promises, Lethal Weapon 4 and Rush Hour? No contest. We need to get these guys back on top, so we can get more movies and books out there to entertain us. As a bonus, we all get cool nicknames. Congress, you know what to do.

The NHL
I know what you’re thinking. Sure, I did used to play hockey, so I may be biased on this one, but the National Hockey League needs our help. The sport has a huge base in the U.S., a new generation is hitting the ice, but more Americans tune in for the latest Paris Hilton fauxmercial than they do to see their favorite team pound the crap out of another team.

Remember 10 or 15 years ago? The NHL was big. It may not have been all that big in the Southern states, but in the North it was huge. Today, no one really even knows who is on which team. It’s kind of like the fan base of the Tampa Bay Rays, only without the crazy wigs. No one will even buy the rights to the games, so they are relegated to Versus, also your home for bullriding. I believe that America still loves to see a fight. Not the quasi-homosexual style of fighting in mixed martial arts, nor the namby-pamby slapping and scratching found in the NBA. I’m talking about dropping the gloves, taking a partner and beating the crap out of them because they got in a cheap shot earlier. When you’re done, you bump helmets like warriors and go to the box to serve your penalty. We need this, America.

Me
Years after detaching myself from the financial system of my parents (which was admittedly a poor decision), I am thousands of dollars in debt. Today, I am still paying off my student loans–loans I took out in order to receive an education, so that I could better serve the U.S. and her economy. How am I repaid? With bill after bill after bill.

Think of all the good I could do the country as a whole if I were to be bailed out of this debt and then some. The additional funds (an estimated $3.5 billion) would enable me to upgrade my car, ensure a merry Christmas for my family and friends and the rest I would reinvest into the alcohol, stock and tobacco markets. Congress, by helping me out of this, not only would you be saving a hard working entrepreneur, you would be saving every market I touch. Just think of how awesome this site could look if I invest just a few thousand into its development and an advertising campaign for it.

You know you want to see Bono do an SG commercial, so why don’t we stop with the begging so I can get started with the spending. I’ll see you on Capitol Hill.