Take it from Snee normally takes the easy route and lambasts things that have already happened. Not today, gentle readers. I’m leaving the comfort-zone of the past to attack the future (of this year, anyway). This is what separates the weathermen from the anchor boys.
I’ll start with the most pressing issue of this early century: the Super Bowl. After all, with the writers’ strike, television will be dismal until preseason begins again in August.
Super Bowl Prediction: Patriots
The Washington Redskins will beat the odds and win the NFC championship. They will then repeat their performance from 1973 and lose the Super Bowl to the league’s undefeated team, the New England Patriots. The Redskins will release a series of t-shirts commemorating the losses: “Washington Redskins–Second to Perfection–1973 and 2008.”
Writers’ Strike Prediction: Over in August
As said before, the Writers’ Strike will continue unabated until August when producers declare the strike over and issue a lockout. The studios’ talent scouts will sweep the Internet, bidding contracts to everyone from Maddox to the 2girls [with] 1cup (2girls1cup1pizzaPlace, Fridays on TBS!). SeriouslyGuys will receive such a bid, but our pilot will remain safely behind locked doors after filming, never to see the light of day again.
The lockout will be delayed until after the Summer Olympics, which will be aired in entirety. Americans will learn to appreciate sports like badminton, ballroom dancing and synchronized swimming. New shuttlecock enthusiasts will declare that “it’s better than watching another The Apprentice spinoff.”
Presidential Election Prediction: Clinton/Obama ‘08
Starting with the Republican nomination, Mitt Romney will run with Rudy Giuliani. Their slogan will be, “Holy underwear, we’re under attack!” Romney will participate in debates as the teary good cop, while Giuliani will throw chairs into walls and scare voters as the bad cop. Because of the Writers’ Strike, voters will not recognize the TV cliché, causing Romney/Giuliani to lose the coveted 24 viewership vote.
Hilary Clinton will receive the Democrat nomination with her running mate, Barrack Obama. Their slogan will be, “Only a sexist/racist won’t vote for a woman/black man.” This will create a double-guilt vortex that will land them, Dorothy-style, into the Oval Office.
The news, however, will be dominated by this election’s wild card candidacy: Ron Paul/Dennis Kucinich. Their campaign will release a special .pdf version of the pocket dictionary, which–when printed–will burn at a temperature too low to topple three skyscrapers. Conspiracy theorists will be disappointed when neither are assassinated by the government and still lose the election.
Movies Prediction: More sequels and remakes
2008 will see more sequels and big budget remakes from Hollywood. Because of the ongoing Writers’ Strike, the remakes will be verbatim of the original scripts, but with new actors. The sequels will be made by Ridley Scott, which means they will be re-edited with text and voiceover exposition, plus a unicorn.* The best picture award will go to 2008’s movie version of Sanford and Son, which will star Russell Crowe, Christian Bale and a digitally-animated Red Fox in a cameo role (who will be voiced by Ben Stiller).
*Seriously, what is with Ridley Scott’s insistence on unicorns? He threw a hissy-fit twice to include them in Blade Runner reissues, featured them in Legend and will probably replace the tigers in the director’s cut of Gladiator with them.
Fashion Prediction: High-waters and high school jerseys
Because of local statutes, jeans will be worn rebelliously above the belly-button, which will be marketed by The Gap as “Olde School.” Parents will become enraged as the newly-tightened jeans will expose the outlines of high school students’ genitals, prompting conservative columnists to pine for the old days when decent folks wore JNCOs.
Meanwhile, more sports fans will wear jerseys of high school athletes as more are recruited into the pros before their sixteenth birthdays. In response, professional sports leagues will lower the age cap for seniors’ tours to 30-years-old.
Technology Prediction: Flying cars, self-aware deathbots and food in pill-form
2008 will finally be the year in which all of our previous predictions for the future will come true. Surviving only on meals in pill-form, we will flee intelligent robots in flying cars. All science fiction will disappear from our entertainment.
Alright, so that’s 2008. I’ll keep track of my predictions throughout the year, just to rub in a few told-you-sos. If anything, that means that several of my columns in 2008 have just written themselves.