Search results for: stephen hawking

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Stephen Hawking wants a world government to fight robots

Famed physicist Stephen Hawking has warned us repeatedly that mankind will probably make robots smart enough that they will overthrow us. But it always comes off as a threat. Now we know why he’s been pushing this agenda.

According to Hawking, unless there is a more concerted, worldwide effort to avoid the rise of the machines, we are likely to fail. And that’s why we need a world government, he said, noting that such a thing could lead to tyranny. So it’s a damned-if you-do-damned-if-you-don’t scenario.

The good news is that there is no secret world government already in existence, otherwise Hawking would definitely be part of it.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Stephen Hawking still hates stupid people

Stephen Hawking doesn’t have the best outlook on humanity. In fact, he has demonstrated many times that he wants to end us all. Good to see nothing has changed.

In a recent interview, Hawking said humanity has “certainly not become less greedy or less stupid” since the last time he threatened us with extinction. He said that we have done nothing to reduce the threat of climate change, and we’re hell-bent on creating artificial intelligence, which will one day kill us all.

This has been another edition of Stephen Hawking Says Mankind Will Die.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Stephen Hawking wants to end mankind with a black hole

The diabolical Dr. Stephen Hawking has come up with a new way to end us all. And this time it sounds like a sci-fi B-movie he’s pitching.

Under the guise of providing abundant energy for the Earth, Hawking has proposed that we get a tiny black hole to orbit the planet. We won’t bore you with the details we don’t understand in the first place. Basically, one of the smartest men in the world wants to first prove that black holes exist, and then capture one, and convince the entire world that it’s safe and totally not part of his plan to wipe humanity from existence.

Nice try, you Bond villain, you. But the least plausible Bond movies are the ones that involve space and satellites.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Noted scientist Stephen Hawking says science will kill us all

Time to pack it in, everyone. Humanity had a good run. We ran the world for a few thousand years, but we’re done now. At least according to renowned physicist Stephen Hawking.

Hawking, who is known to be not very optimistic about humanity, said that the more technology we develop, the more we increase our odds that everything is going to go wrong and we’ll destroy ourselves. This guy is arguably the greatest mind of our time. He does incredibly work in science, and he’s saying science is what’s going to do us in.

The man is brilliant, he’s part machine and he’s actively contributing to the extinguishing of the human race. Stephen Hawking is a real-life Bond villain.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

The computer speaking for Dr. Hawking says AI will overtake us

"What? That's not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!"
What? That’s not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!

Fresh from reassuring One Direction fans, Professor Stephen Hawking is back in the news. This time, he’s warning us about damn dirty robots!

Dr. Hawking theorized that artificial intelligence could overtake humans within the next 100 years, meaning they could menace The Guys in our new fitter clone bodies with bigger genitals. He believes , however, that this may not be a complete disaster, so long as humans develop goals aligned with those of AI.

This is the second time Dr. Hawking has spoken about AI recently, the first being a full warning that AI could spell the end of the human race. Although he’s softened his stance this time, this topic is of course very important to Dr. Hawking as we only know what he’s saying through a comput … wait. Did Dr. Hawking even say that?

… Did we type this?

Sleep tight, Internet.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Somebody’s hawking for a ‘Big Bang Theory’ cameo

Reader, are women a complete mystery to you? Women readers, are you a complete mystery to yourselves?

Don’t feel so bad. You’re in the same boat as Professor Stephen Hawking, and he’s a genius.

The author of ’80s coffee table book, A Brief History of Time, was asked by New Scientist magazine (even though he’s not exactly new) what he thinks about the most, to which he replied, “Women.” And then, realizing that the greatest living mind just sounded like a hornball, he added, “They are a complete mystery.”

Ladies who just “d’aww”-ed: now imagine that spoken through a Speak & Spell. It’s like your dildo gained sentience and wants to fill you with Borg babies.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?


Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: DIY edition

"That one's banned. That one's banned. Ooh, that one too!"
“That one’s banned. That one’s banned. Ooh, that one too!”

Somehow I’m more turned off by the Democratic primaries than I do the GOP race. I find the Republican race of more consequence and much, much cruder, but out of nowhere, the Dems and their supporters have become intolerable. This week alone we had Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton trying to out-New York each other. Nothing says “I’m in touch with real Americans” like a pissing match for the most self-important city in the U.S. Then there are your Facebook friends who post 18 things a day about how great Sanders is, and how THE MEDIA IS AGAINST US, MAN! The media are a bunch of outlets with no common agenda, other than entertaining you. Blaming your problems on them is like blaming your fart on the dog. If you were busy (finally) retiring from basketball this week, odds are you missed it.

Taking the law into his own hands
It was revealed this week that as Texas solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz penned a 76-page brief with the U.S. Court of Appeals defending a state ban on the sale of sex toys. He unsuccessfully argued that Americans have no legal right to stimulate their own genitals–no, really. Folks, if we have the right to bear arms, we certainly have the right to hairy palms.

Time to probe some aliens
A group of investors and scientists, including Mark Zuckerberg, Russian billionaire Yuri Milner and famed physicist Stephen Hawking this week announced an initiative to send a bunch of tiny probes to Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to Earth. The nanocraft would travel four light-years in about two decades. So let the record show that when the Centaurian War is over, we fired first.

Use of electronic devices is now permitted
This week, AMC Theaters floated an idea to allow cell phone use at certain designated shows, arguing that it would be more appealing to younger moviegoers. The proposal was met with such strong criticism that AMC announced a day later that it was killing the idea. To which younger moviegoers said, “We know, we saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.”

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Science Update: 3D, 2D, 1D universes

One way or another, science will somehow find meaning once again in a Zayn-less One Direction-al universe.
One way or another, science will somehow find meaning once again in a Zayn-less One Direction-al universe.

Science can get confusing. In today’s news alone, the possibility that the universe is merely a two-dimensional surface that we project a third-dimension onto during observation (like a hologram) just gained more traction. Meanwhile, another group of scientists completed the most comprehensive three-dimensional map of the universe.

So, which is it, doctors? Does the universe have depth, or do we only imagine it, like in Hawkeye from The Avengers?

Fortunately, Prof. Stephen Hawking chimed in today: the universe is neither 3D nor 2D, but 1D, as in One Directional. He assured a girl at one of his Q&A sessions that, although it is depressing that Zayn Malik has left One Direction in our universe, theoretical physics mean that he could still be in the boy group in a parallel universe.

Looks like somebody’s been studying up on women after we called him out on it a couple of years ago.

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Be yourself

“Be yourself.” It’s a cliché, sure. But, with the ability to recreate ourselves (terribly) on the Internet, it’s important to remember that being yourself isn’t the best because we’re naturally the best. It’s the best because, dude, that’s the best you’re ever going to do.

Turns out that hockey pads really are sh*t for crimefighting.
Turns out that hockey pads really are sh*t for crime fighting.

For instance, I could aspire to be better. I could be Batman … until I wake back up in the ICU with severe head trauma from 10 years of martial arts training, frostbite and bullet wounds.

Lesson learned: Even if being me does not improve life for anyone or anything on Earth, I will be myself because trying to be Batman hurts and trying to be Stephen Hawking gets you rebuked by the American Association of People with Disabilities.

Now, if only the following people/companies would learn the same lesson …  Continue reading