Search results for: woolly mammoth

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Woolly mammoth will return by 2019, researcher says

For years, science has been threatening us with unleashing one of our long-vanquished foes, the woolly mammoth. And luckily for humanity, it hasn’t happened yet, but it’ll be a reality by 2019.

At a conference this week, the leader of a team of  Harvard University researchers boasted that his people are just a couple years away from having a de-extinctified woolly mammoth. Much like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, the mammoth wouldn’t be 100% original parts, some of the genes would have to come from a similar creature. That creature in this case is an Asian elephant. So the thing that they make will actually be a hybrid.

We killed all the woolly mammoths thousands of years ago, and we’re pretty close to finishing off the elephant population. We need to step it up to ensure this abomination is never made.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Science plans to kill us all with wooly mammoths

Never forget.
Never forget.

For nearly as long as this blog has existed, we’ve warned against cloning wooly mammoths. Now it seems that our worst fears are closer than ever to becoming a reality.

Harvard geneticist George Church, sworn enemy to all humanity, has basically spliced enough wooly mammoth DNA, filled in with a little modern Asian elephant DNA where needed, dropped it into Asian elephant skin cells, and BAM. We now live in a world where functional mammoth DNA exists.

Not surprisingly, Church has openly admitted to wanting to one day bring back the wooly mammoth, under the guise of allowing Asian elephants to tolerate colder climates. This madness must be stopped!

| Filed under War on Animals

The wooly mammoth lives! Maybe

Mankind drove the wooly mammoth to extinction thousands of years ago (save for the one seen only by a hallucinating giant bird on a kid’s television show), it’s one of our earliest victories in the War on Animals. However, we may need to go back and finish the job.

A new video, reportedly shot last summer in Siberia, shows what looks to be a wooly mammoth walking through a river. If it’s real we may need to grab our elephant guns and snowshoes. However, the video is only 10 seconds long, the mammoth doesn’t seem to cause the rushing Russian water to break and there’s no explanation for why the video is only surfacing now. So it seems like it’s probably fake.

But you don’t win a war by making assumptions. Let’s go accomplish the mission.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

More retro than hipsters

As we’ve been telling you for years, those crazy scientist bastards are hellbent on not just saving the animals, but bringing back ones we defeated thousands of years ago. Scientists are now saying that they think they could clone a woolly mammoth within five years.

They’re not just talking hypothetically this time, they’re for real. Well-preserved mammoth bone marrow found in Siberia will be used to replace the nuclei of an elephant egg, then plant the embryo in an elephant womb to deliver the unholy aberration.

This blog supports the endeavor, so long as we get to taste the meat.

| Filed under War on Animals

Jurassic Park just got a whole lot more furrier and realer

Oh, and Russia-ier.

Russia’s always been just a bit more backwards than other countries. They say our catchphrases long after they’ve been played out, pop stars are still gigantic hits over there and they allow Dolph Lundgren to film movies in their country, long after his shelf-date expired.

Along with that, they apparently still let prehistoric animals be found as perfectly preserved specimens.

Quickly, can we get someone to use the cleansing power of fire onto it? Using my knowledge of movie science (which is just ever so slightly different than real science), theoretically, a woolly mammoth can be genetically recreated by taking the DNA and placing it in a mama elephant. And if the egg is in pristine condition.

THAT’S NOT GOOD IF MOVIE SCIENCE IS ACTUALLY CORRECT IN THIS CASE. I don’t know how many paintings of woolly mammoths that you’ve seen, but it’s always a whole lot of furry guys trying to take down just one … and that one is usually the sick one. And even then, the sick one’s got gnarly tusks. Now imagine a large herd of them trampling around the world. That’s not pretty.

Let’s not end up like Dennis Nedry. Kill the sample while we still can.

| Filed under War on Animals

Give credit where credit is due

It’s a new year, in case you were wondering why everyone was hung over yesterday. We would like to begin 2009 on a bright note, but alas, battles wear on, and the War on Animals continues because our enemies do not recognize the Gregorian calendar (we mean animals, not the Chinese).

A Russian scholar is making waves lately, madly claiming that humans did not kill off the woolly mammoth but merely had a part in killing off the woolly mammoth. Sergey Zimov of the Russian Academy of Science claims that there were three factors that doomed the hairy elephants. This probably communist says that climate change, a meteor and of course, we humans, created a perfect storm that made them go extinct.

Really, Comrade Zimov? A meteor? Haven’t you alleged scientists already used that excuse to explain away the disappearance of the dinosaurs? Get real, Russkie. Our ancestors kill those bad boys off and it remains a legacy every human can be proud of.

| Filed under War on Animals

There’s a chaos theory joke in there somewhere

They call it Old Media for a reason. (It’s old.) It’s slow, outdated and turned into such a massive conglomeration that it can’t move as nimbly as it did in the pioneering days of David Strathairn Edward R. Murrow. Print media is going the way of the woolly mammoth. Wait–that might not be such a bad thing.

Though we’ve been talking about it for years, the media is just catching on to the whole “science could bring back the mammoth and kill us all” thing. Well, not all media, just the English, who can’t be trusted anyway.

The hard-hitting journalists of the Land of the Anglos sought to find out if it’s really worth bringing back the woolly mammoth, a species our relatives killed off for us along ago.

“It’s like asking if we could play the next World Cup on the Moon – yes, but the money needed would be unbelievable,” says Professor Barry Fuller, an expert in low-temperature science and tissue preservation at University College London. “Better to focus on conserving the animals we already have.”

Fuller, we don’t know you personally, but we don’t like you. First off, soccer is boring enough as it is. The last thing we need is for it to be played in a low-gravity setting. Think about how many balls would go out of bounds and just keep going.

Secondly, no, it’s not a good idea to conserve the animals we already have. That money would be better spent eliminating the animals we already have. It’s called the war effort, Fuller. Get with it.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Time to make spears, everyone

We warned you about it over a year ago. It was announced yesterday that scientists have mapped the DNA of the woolly mammoth, better known as That Hairy Elephant We Killed Off a While Back.

This “groundbreaking” achievement was done under the guise of helping science learn what makes some species die off and some survive. Hey scientists, news flash, WE cause the extinction of animals, and we only save the ones that are cute and/or can’t be turned into clothing.

This blog knows better than to believe science–about anything. The real reason they wanted to map the DNA of the woolly mammoth is so that they can bring it back and set a herd of them up on an island in a theme park. (Say, someone should write a book about this.)

We don’t need any more animals to fight, especially ones we already defeated. Did the Romans clone Hannibal so they could sack Carthage again? NO!

| Filed under War on Animals

Hold on to your butts

Bad news, brave soldiers. Scientists have uncovered an almost completely preserved baby woolly mammoth in Siberia. Now they are touting their find. Obviously, this is not the bad news. There is nothing wrong with humiliating an enemy long since defeated.

Shocking quote: “While the mammoth has not yielded the kind of DNA that could be used in cloning, scientists remain optimistic.

Some believe the right find is bound to emerge from Siberia that will make cloning or resurrecting the animal–by injecting sperm into the egg of a relative such as the Asian elephant–a reality.”

That’s right, these madmen are really planning on CLONING this monstrosity. Our ancestors didn’t banish this foe in the Ice Age just so we could bring them back! We’ve got to stop the scientists.

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