For years, science has been threatening us with unleashing one of our long-vanquished foes, the woolly mammoth. And luckily for humanity, it hasn’t happened yet, but it’ll be a reality by 2019. At a conference this week, the leader of a team of Harvard University researchers boasted that his people are just a couple years … Continue reading Woolly mammoth will return by 2019, researcher says
For nearly as long as this blog has existed, we’ve warned against cloning wooly mammoths. Now it seems that our worst fears are closer than ever to becoming a reality. Harvard geneticist George Church, sworn enemy to all humanity, has basically spliced enough wooly mammoth DNA, filled in with a little modern Asian elephant DNA where … Continue reading Science plans to kill us all with wooly mammoths
Mankind drove the wooly mammoth to extinction thousands of years ago (save for the one seen only by a hallucinating giant bird on a kid’s television show), it’s one of our earliest victories in the War on Animals. However, we may need to go back and finish the job. A new video, reportedly shot last … Continue reading The wooly mammoth lives! Maybe
As we’ve been telling you for years, those crazy scientist bastards are hellbent on not just saving the animals, but bringing back ones we defeated thousands of years ago. Scientists are now saying that they think they could clone a woolly mammoth within five years. They’re not just talking hypothetically this time, they’re for real. … Continue reading More retro than hipsters
Oh, and Russia-ier. Russia’s always been just a bit more backwards than other countries. They say our catchphrases long after they’ve been played out, pop stars are still gigantic hits over there and they allow Dolph Lundgren to film movies in their country, long after his shelf-date expired. Along with that, they apparently still let … Continue reading Jurassic Park just got a whole lot more furrier and realer
It’s a new year, in case you were wondering why everyone was hung over yesterday. We would like to begin 2009 on a bright note, but alas, battles wear on, and the War on Animals continues because our enemies do not recognize the Gregorian calendar (we mean animals, not the Chinese). A Russian scholar is … Continue reading Give credit where credit is due
They call it Old Media for a reason. (It’s old.) It’s slow, outdated and turned into such a massive conglomeration that it can’t move as nimbly as it did in the pioneering days of David Strathairn Edward R. Murrow. Print media is going the way of the woolly mammoth. Wait–that might not be such a … Continue reading There’s a chaos theory joke in there somewhere
We warned you about it over a year ago. It was announced yesterday that scientists have mapped the DNA of the woolly mammoth, better known as That Hairy Elephant We Killed Off a While Back. This “groundbreaking” achievement was done under the guise of helping science learn what makes some species die off and some … Continue reading Time to make spears, everyone
Bad news, brave soldiers. Scientists have uncovered an almost completely preserved baby woolly mammoth in Siberia. Now they are touting their find. Obviously, this is not the bad news. There is nothing wrong with humiliating an enemy long since defeated. Shocking quote: “While the mammoth has not yielded the kind of DNA that could be … Continue reading Hold on to your butts
First they made a mouse from thousands of years ago with ancient DNA, now it looks like they’re going to try for a woolly mammoth. In theory, you could be seeing one of these things in real life in just a few years. New pick-up line: “Hey baby, wanna see my woolly mammoth? It’s been … Continue reading Jurassic Park–but with mammals
