Aquatic life in New Jersey?

Tonight, Flipper sleeps with ... um, himself.It’s apparently more likely than you’d think.

Some riverbank on the Jersey shore is teeming with dolphins. Wildlife officials are hoping the aquatic mammals will realize how much NJ’s holding them back and leave, perhaps to front the greatest rock band in the world … or maybe storm Broadway (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

In the meantime, the local mooks won’t stop poking the dolphins with sticks and orca recordings, each one thinking they’re some kind of Jack Hanna. Thanks to Animal Planet, every shmoe with cable is bugging officials with ideas to save them, including:

  • “[Dropping] down underwater cages to trap them, and then drag them out to the ocean and let them go there.”
  • “Bringing up 100 or so kayakers [from Florida] to form a line and use their paddles to herd the dolphins.”
  • “[Setting] a string of boats out there with nets and just work them out.”

We here at SeriouslyGuys are shaking our heads at these ideas. Haven’t these people ever heard of fishing?