Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue

Dear Dr. Snee,

I hate summer. I hate buying swimsuits. What can I do to lose some weight in a matter of weeks?

–Newark, NJ

You know, I’ve received a few of these letters recently, and not just from women. Thanks to feminism, more women are working hard in Hollywood to pass their neuroses onto men.

As a doctor with no endorsements (WTF?!), let me first say that fad diets are a hoax. They don’t work. If they do work, they don’t work properly. They’re all temporary diets, so you’ll go back to eating from the horse trough just as you did before, gaining back all the weight and then some.

I subscribe a variety of techniques to my patients depending on their personality and degree of obesity. Feel free to try any of these and then call me the morning after you become hot.

High School Simulator

You know how the popular girls were all skinny in high school, but then got fat by your ten year reunion? It’s because they were out of high school for ten years.

The High School Simulator forces you to wake up by 8 every morning and get to work by 8:15. So, you’re running, skipping breakfast and stressing out about your continued employment first thing in the morning.

Using the HSH 3D goggles and sound device, you are surrounded by judgmental peers and Sixteen Candles‘ Jake Ryan. (Michael Schoeffling works very cheaply these days.) I dare you to eat anything other than carrots.

At 5 pm, it’s time for gym class. One of our licensed trainers will pick you up from work and take you to the training field. You will be forced to either display your total lack of athletic skill to your friends (high impact) or walk laps the entire hour with the asthma kid (low impact).

Dinner is with your parents, who have been instructed to ask questions about your day and life plans for the entire meal, which will last about three minutes before you run crying upstairs.

You will wake up on your tear-soaked pillow at 8 AM the next day and start all over again.

Join a gang

Between the fights, running from the cops, cocaine and prison, you’ll drop all the weight and get some really cool tattoos.

There’s a reason why Biggie was Notorious for his size: it was a rarity in the gangsta world.

Become an organ donor

Hey, fatty. Do you really need two kidneys? Or two lungs? Or two eyes?

Go to the bathroom (a lot)

Where your girl likes to potty all the time, potty all the time, potty all the time!

Everyone knows that bulimia is a dangerous way to lose weight and nothing to joke about. It is indicative of self-image issues and depression and can lead to malnourishment, dental problems (from the vom) and death.

Going to the bathroom, however, is encouraged and considered very healthy. In fact, if you don’t go to the bathroom, people will become concerned.

You can eat your normal meal, and what comes afterwards? Why, dessert of course, and most laxatives are chocolate-flavored.

Also, cigarettes (known for years to keep off pounds) will help get those juices flowing.

It’s time for you to give a s##t about your health. Get poopin’, poppy!

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.