Dear Dr. Snee,
I keep seeing these weird commercials for ladies’ birth control that looks like a little plastic tree that goes in their vagina? How the hell does that work? It won’t plug my peehole, right?
–milfplugah69
You’re talking about the Mirena IUD. No, it won’t plug your “peehole,” or urethra, when you’re “plowing” all those “MILFs.” Actually, they should be called MYLFs, because maybe you’d like to “fornicate” them, but Elvis and I agree: doing a mother is wrong, especially the mother of your children.
As to how it works, this is a closely-guarded medical secret, which is why I’m going to tell you and the millions who read this serious medical advice column: time travel.
Notice the shape of the Mirena Interdimensional Undulation Device: two smaller branches culminating into a third larger branch. Look familiar?
Yes, the Mirena is a flux capacitor, which — we all know — is what makes time travel possible.
Still not convinced? OK.
The Mirena can only be inserted by a doctor. Why would something so safe not be sold over-the-counter with a cardboard applicator? Because the average American doesn’t keep plutonium around … yet.
Once inside, it bumbles around, confused. Everything looks so familiar, but different. Instead of Miller Lite, there’s Miller High Life. The gas station is full service with four attendants to a car. The high school principal is still bald, but there are ovaries dangling next to his head.
In this state, the Mirena will bump into its parents: sperm and the egg. Through a series of mistaken identity and happenstance, Mirena will prevent these several million and one young lovers from going to the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance and kissing for the first time.*
*Note to youth readers: It only takes one open mouth kiss to get pregnant, especially in a high school gym. Also, cover your shoulders. You look like a whore.
All potential offspring are erased … from existence.
Of course, it’s completely reversible. All you have to do is go back to your crazy doctor (who may or may not attempt to read your mind) and convince him to remove the Mirena from, as we refer to it in medicine, your cha-cha. Also, you have to beat up Biff.
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Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.
Well I’m sure in 1985 plutonium is sold on every corner drug store but these days, it’s a little hard to come by.
Woah, woah, woah. Wait a minute, Jeff. Are you saying that Walgreen’s was nuke-yoo-ler?
So, let’s say the birth control is defective. Is there a skewed “alternate” universe on the outcomes … no pun intended … of your sperm? I have a headache…
Yes, if the Mirena is defective, your sperm become more confident scifi writers. Other side effects may include inventing rock and roll but receiving absolutely no credit for it and Parkinson’s Disease. Do not use Mirena if you are a compulsive gambler, Biff Tannen or hot for your mom. In some cases, Mirena users found themselves in an alternate “Mad Max” time line.
On the positive side, you get a truck out of it.
That’s crazy… I’m surfing the web about my Mirenna insert while me and my family are watching Back to the Future! And even Elvis was mentioned… I literally live 6 miles from Graceland in Memphis! WWWHOOOAAAA!!!!
On another note… over the past 2 years my sex drive has vanished completely… so I guess that’s the backup contraceptive idea… you know, on top of the extra bad mood swings, cramps and fatigue. Bad stuff!!!!