(Bonus: +4 xp for alliteration)
Sorry about the long sabbatical since my last house call. I’ve been on the road since May, following the Mamma Mia! tour across America.
Before you judge me (lest ye be judged for judging), I only watch Mamma Mia! because of the hot chicks in it, like Christine Baranski.
Also, I’ve found that any movie with an exclamation point in its title is guaranteed to be awesome:
- Airplane!
- Top Secret!
- Yentil!
So, to clarify: unconditional love for anything Abba-related does not make me gay. My man-crush on Pierce Brosnan, however, does.
Anyway, on to your important medical quer — uh, questions.
Dear Dr. Snee,
I’ve heard you claim that cancer is contagious. Who told you that? They should be shot.
Self-righteously,
MoSane (a.k.a. ClippershipPat)
I agree completely: they should be shot … unless it’s with a vaccine for the Human papillomavirus, or HPV. HPV, of course, is a contagious sexually-transmitted disease infecting over 70 percent of all sexually-active adults, and some forms of it are proven to cause cervical cancer.
You can look that up. Lots of doctors agree with me about that.
However, most of them disagree with my expert opinion that the vaccine should be withheld from teens because sex is supposed to be dangerous.
These “doctors” also refuse to recognize my own research into the contagiousness of another form of cancer: lung cancer. You see, science is corrupted these days with consensus. If four out five dentists believe that Crest with Cyanide Crystals cleans your teeth better than flossing, then the rest will pass it out in little fun-sized tubes after your annual check-up.
I can handle disagreement. A little naysaying will just make me work harder at being smarter than everyone else. But by discrediting me, those other doctors are allowing lung cancer to spread like herpes sores at a frat kegger.
This is why it’s critical to prevent the transmission of lung cancer. Otherwise, if you catch it, who would you trust for treatment? The same doctors who disagree with me?
Never share cigarettes.
Smoking is a safe, enjoyable habit that, done responsibly, is guaranteed to make you look older and more sophisticated. By smoking, you are showing others that you care about billionaires, like Michael E. Szymanczyk and Louis C. Camilleri. It can even make social situations less awkward by giving you something to do with your hands.
It is in this social setting where things become dangerous, especially when alcohol is involved and inhibitions are low.
A recent quitter or “non-smoker” asks for “a drag off your butt.” This is seedy cancer-talk for “may I use your cigarette?” You think to yourself, “I want to be cool, so I’ll just let him ‘take a drag.'”
You let him take a drag alright; he just dragged you into Cancerville, population: numbskulls like you.
Remember: when you share a cigarette, you aren’t just smoking that person, but everyone that person has smoked with before you.
But, as a doctor, I understand that abstinence from smoking — unlike abstinence from sex — is hard to maintain. This leads to the next section on avoiding transmitting or catching lung cancer …
Always, always use a filter.
You like cigarettes, right? Of course you do. But do you love them? I find that hard to believe because, if you did, you’d trust them enough to smoke unfiltered. C’mon, baby; let’s smoke all the way.
GOTCHA! You were totally going to smoke without a filter.
If there’s one thing someone with cancer loves, it’s company with their misery. Why do you think there are so many support groups full of dying people?
Don’t let people with cancer peer pressure you into smoking an unfiltered cigarette. If they demand you do it out of love, don’t believe them. If they really loved you, they’d respect your practice of safe smoking.
But smoking with a filter isn’t foolproof. Using one improperly could still expose you to lung cancer or other communicable diseases like emphysema and heart disease.
- Never keep a filtered cigarette in your wallet. The heat and stress of sitting on in for years can wear down the filter, allowing germs and deadly disease through when you finally do use it.
- If you roll your own cigarettes, place the paper over the filter, and then roll it over the filter. Be sure to leave room in the reservoir on top for tobacco.
- Only use a filter once. If you wish to smoke again, discard the used filter, like in the toilet, and start over with a new filter.
Filters aren’t just for smoking, by the way. You can mix them into smokeless tobacco for safe oral chewing.
In closing, I just want to remind you that there is nothing funny about cancer. It must be taken seriously by each and every person on the planet or somebody will get offended.
Today’s Ask Dr. Snee is brought to you by the cool, soothing flavor of Newport cigarettes. Newport: cash out before Alzheimers.
Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.