Today is St. Patrick’s Day.
And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)
Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.
Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions.
Is it true I can get drunker quicker by drinking through a straw?
Yes. This is absolutely true.
If you drink liquor through a straw, you will get drunk more quickly and to a greater extent than your peers who are drinking the same alcohol in a normal fashion because you clearly are an idiot and have less brain cells to inebriate.
That’s not all: if you snort your beer, it works even faster!
And do you know why they call them “shots?” Because people used to shoot liquor into themselves with syringes, just like heroin! See if any of the homeless guys in the alley behind the bar have an extra needle to spare!
Can you really go blind from drinking?
Eh, kind of. But only if you wipe your eyes with your hands right after a tequila shot.
Is Jägermeister really made with deer blood?
Should I drink liquor or beer first?
There’s a rhyme you should memorize …. Scratch that. There’s a rhyme your legal booze guardian should memorize before babysitting you:
Beer before liquor,
Shorn foxes always run quicker.
Liquor before beer,
Overalls conceal your deepest, darkest fear.
Just keep those straight and you’ll throw up across someone’s back in no time.
… Or were those supposed to be “after?”
What’s the best way to cure a hangover?
By not drinking!
I’m just kidding. That’s not a cure. You have to have a condition to cure it, which is why abstinence isn’t the cure for babies. (It’s abortion. Abortion cures babies.)
The best cure for a hangover is sleep. No, not just sleep, otherwise you’ll wake up still feeling sick but from hunger or thirst–both of which feel about the same as a hangover, only without the chlamydia.
But, sleep is the most important component of hangover recovery because you’re about to force your body to do things it doesn’t want to do and you don’t want to pass that time conscious.
You body is a wreck right now, and I don’t mean the bruises. I mean your insides.
You’ve just run a knotted old rope of beer, whiskey and late night IHOP through your digestive system. At this point, your stomach may very well reject on pure principle anything your brain puts into it.
1. When you wake up, drink some water. If you feel sick(er) afterwards, go back to sleep. If not, move on to coffee, Gatorade or soda.
2. After your nap, repeat step one. If eveything’s fine, try food. If you feel sick(er) afterwards, go back to sleep.
3. After your nap, repeat step two.
4. If you don’t puke by noon, you probably won’t.
Or, you could risk it with the Hair of the Dog. Your boss or teacher can’t get mad if you’re taking beer and food coloring like medicine.
* Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.