Goodness-f%$king-gracious, this mailbox is full to the sphincter! Time to hose it out and read any letters that survive the deluge.
Dear Dr. Snee,
What’s a colonic? My girlfriend keeps wanting me to go with her to get one. Is it a health drink?
A health drink? Yeah … kinda.
You know what an enema is? It’s that, only with pomegranate and sandalwood ashes, and it’s administered by some woman named Morgan or Sunbeam. Please note that Star is not a doctor (unlike me*) and that this is a step up from her last job where she spelled it with three Rs at the end.
Oh, and also? Colonics are kind of dangerous and unnecessary. At the very least, I probably wouldn’t sleep in your girlfriend’s wet spot.
If you’re serious about bowel health, though, I recommend nature’s broom, which is fiber. And what’s a good source of fiber? Brooms. Going up the other way should be reserved for trained medical personnel and airport bathroom attendants. Either way, you get a free mint afterwards, and only one of us guilts you into a tip.
Dear Dr. Snee,
What is your opinion on the healing power of prayer?
Ha! Haha! Hahahahaha! HA! HA! HA! Hahahahahahahahahaha … *sniff* Heh.
Wait, I recognize you! You robocalled me asking if I thought you should leave the state of Texas.
Tell you what, “not Rick Perry”: you pray to god for my vote and let’s see what happens in November.
Dear Dr. Snee,
Please settle this bet: which is better for you, red or white wine?
A bet, huh? (He typed aloud in his best Strong Bad impression.) I hope this isn’t evidence of a split amongst your Sex in the City group of girlfriends.
Red wine comes in a bigger glass than whites, which means you lift more per arm curl. It also pairs well with steak, which gives you stronger arguments–the rarer, the more obscure your sources. And it turns your teeth blue, which is great camouflage in strip clubs and their black lights. (They’ll never see you coming.)
But, did you also know that it may also help prevent sunburns and skin cancer, Person Whose Letter I Made Up to Write About This Article? It’s possibly true!
Red wine and grapes contain flavonoids, which are a compound that scientists believe may stop skin cells from conspiring against you with UV rays. (Still no cure for that pesky liver, yet, though.) The nice part is that you don’t need a beach cooler for red wine as it should be served at room temperature.
However, if you still can’t decide between the two, have you tried a Red, White and Blue Motorcycle?
And speaking of going outside,
I’m gonna pull a Dan Savage here by forgetting that this is a letter-answering column and get on my soapbox.
Gamers, I know it’s summer, and once school rolls back around, you won’t have this kind of quality time with your Xbox or WoW account. But, sitting in one position for hours on end can possibly trigger a pulmonary embolism. And, if you haven’t wiki’d that yet, kill you.
You need to change it up every hour or so. Go to the bathroom. Get a drink. Fap for some exercise. Even shifting your weight a little could pry some bedsores loose. Just please, for the love of god, leave the sitting-for-hours-in-one-position to the professionals: any adult working in a cubicle.
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*Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.