Ask Dr. Snee: No ifs, ands or butts

Dear Dr. Snee:

I’ve just had a birthday, and I’m worried about getting older. More specifically, about prostate exams. Do doctors really have to stick a finger up my butt? What if I enjoy it? Or are there any other methods?

–Sitting Around

You know, SA, you couldn’t time this question any better. In fact, your timing is so extraordinary that a casual reader might think I just scanned the news for a medical headline, found a silly one and then wrote a fake letter from someone embarrassed about prostate exams. It’s a funny idea, but completely untrue.

But, seriously: South Korean doctors have just devised a new test that also involves fingers, only this time, it’s with your finger.

Wait. Get your finger out of your butt.

What I mean is that their research suggests that men whose ring fingers are considerably longer than their index fingers are more likely to contract prostate cancer. And, women whose ring fingers are longer than their index fingers are more likely to not have prostates.

So, all you have to do is look at your right hand, palm upwards, like you’re reading your fortune. And you kind of are since you’re looking for cancer.

Just like when you’re comparing your penis to the remote control (to see if you have a shot with Becky Hanlon), extend your fingers as far and rigidly as possible. Otherwise, you risk inadvertently bending one finger more than another, which can lead to a false reading. The last thing you want is to discover a false reading after you’ve already sold all your earthly possessions and completed your bucket list murder spree.

Now just follow the chart:

While you’re examining your hand to see your cancer future, you might as well also screen yourself for a broken nose. All you have to do is figure out if your hand is bigger than your face.

BOOYA-CHAKKA-KHAN!

As for what happens if you enjoy it, well, the next step is to slyly slip your phone number into your doctor’s pocket. After all, you could be gay, or it could be a lady doctor (which are just like doctor doctors, only boobsier).

Or, you could just relax enjoy it for what it is and not burden it with society’s labels. Not every medical procedure has to lead into a committed relationship. Just let that butt magic happen.

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Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

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