Ask Dr. Snee: Turns out I’m right about everything

Why, hello there.

You know, I get a lot of letters and many of them question my expertise. Rather than post each and every one of them up here, let me just answer what you’re all really wondering: am I a doctor? Yes.*

A few of you went further in your letters and politely asked if I am insane. I assure you that not only am I sane, but a lot of research published this week proves that I am also right. But, in the words of Geordi LaForge, don’t take my word for it. This week’s batch of letters show again and again that, when it comes to four out of five doctors, I’m one of those four. (Except when I’m rocking a mic. Then I’m one of a kind.)

Dear Dr. Snee,

What is the difference between UVA and UVB radiation?

Hey, did you know there’s UVC radiation in sunlight, too? Way to leave Curly out of the Stooges, dick.

Everyone’s trying to make a big deal about the difference between UVA and UVB radiation right now, and the funny part is that it’s because they’re not really so different.

Basically, UVA radiation is the creepy best friend of the girl with a s%@tty boyfriend (UVB). Everybody thought UVA wasn’t so bad for her when UVB was burning the shit out of her with his natural warmth and cigarettes, which eventually cause cancer; but it turns out that UVA merely continues its long game of destroying her self-esteem until she loves him and then gives her cancer.

So, all that’s changed is that now sunscreen labels are required to list if they block both kinds of douchebags: passive-aggressive (date rape) and aggressive-aggressive (rape rape).

Dear Dr. Snee,

What gives with the new cigarette warning labels? How can the government force private tobacco companies to place their message on their property, especially gross messages?

It took over half a year, but the FDA is finally upgrading Surgeon General warnings to a language kids today understand: LOLSmokers. I’m not saying the FDA moves slow, but it prevents pregnancy by smothering infants with condoms.

And while I’d love to agree with your newfound sense of what freedom means, you do realize that there have been warnings on these packs for 45 years now, right? And as medical knowledge outpaced whatever corporations tell us, they’ve even changed the labels to reflect a new sense of not letting Phillip Morris own our asses.

In 1966, the label merely stated that cigarettes “may be hazardous to your health.” Four years later, the Surgeon General had conclusively had enough of this “may be” pussyfooting around, and you bet your ass they’re “dangerous to your health.”

In 1985, they split it up into the four different, more specific warnings that we cut out for Camel Bucks today. And it’s only just now that the smoking rate has plateaued that they’re changing them up again.

So, I guess I’ll resort to an old advice columnist trick and “answer” your question with another question: why do you love cancer so much? Why don’t you marry it?

Note to smokers:
Seriously, cut it out. I became a doctor to bang patients and nurses, and I don’t care if you call them “mouth clits”–gum sores are gross.

Dear Dr. Snee,

What took your colleagues so long to endorse IUDs?

I have no idea. This has been a good week for “vindicating Dr. Snee in the face of many pending lawsuits.” Guess all those karma points I’ve racked up by not feeling up sedated patients have finally paid off the interest.

But, yes, the medical community has finally verified my research into alternative forms of birth control by not debunking it or mentioning it whatsoever. Turns out those pointy-headed doofuses think IUDs work on copper or something.

What’ll they come up with next? A rational explanation for why periods are natural and not the sign of an upcoming crop blight?

*Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

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