OK, so nobody asked, but goddammit, you guys, I’m getting pretty damn nervous over here. It appears that you sons of bitches have decided not to die anymore, which puts me in one tight pickle–mostly with my bookie, Eduardo.
Look, you like this semi-regular Dr. Snee feature, right? You’d hate for it to disappear and potentially reappear under a different name in South America, correct? Then you better start living like you’re dying, because I’ve got everything to lose.
Here’s the game plan ….
1) Stop quitting smoking/smoking less
You know what’s the difference between smoking one cigarette a day and smoking a pack a week? My livelihood, you dicks.
Apparently, only 23 percent of Californians and 40 percent of Real Americans smoke for realsies. The rest of you pansies only smoke one to 19 cigarettes a day, which is probably helping you live longer. I guess. (I don’t know; I’m only an Internet doctor.)
The numbers have been dropping since 1965, when men were men and women smoked so they could sound like men, presumably for jobs. Well, I hate to break it to you, dollface, but you’re still making 80 cents to every dollar a man makes, so it’s time to pick up where your grandma left off, which was halfway through her last pack of Reds before she got shoved into an iron lung.
As for the guys: what are you, pussies? Light up!
2) Start fornicating raw-dawg
Teen sex numbers are down, which means I get to see less pregnant teen hoohahs. This really doesn’t have anything to do with life expectancy rates except my own.
3) Tell more jokes about Japan
Unemployed people are depressed people, and depressed people don’t live as long.
Japan’s had a rough week. Between earthquakes, the ensuing tsunamis and pending nuclear meltdowns, these people are really on the ropes. The only thing that could be worse than any of that is if somebody told a joke about it.
So, if you believe in the First Amendment and the healing power of laughter (which is bulls%$t, medically speaking), please make as many jokes as possible about this tragedy. Sure, you may lose your job, but business is business and I can just charge other peoples’ insurance double. Godblessya, you horrible, awful person.
4) Also: keep drinking, hug a Haitian, kill your dog and sleep less
It couldn’t hurt (me.)
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Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.