Ask Dr. Snee: Who’s gonna pay for this abortion?

Good day, eh? (I’m practicing my Canadian for when the country becomes socialist and I’m forced to flee.)

Anyway, I know I just gave you medical advice on Wednesday, so you’re probably wondering what this is all aboo–ahem, about.

As a doctor, I’m concerned about health care. As a male, I’m concerned with not being a father while I still have boat payments to make.

Right now, those two concerns are hand-in-hand, making a wringing motion so fierce that I won’t have the wrist strength to masturbate later.

If you’ve been watching the news or Fox News, you know that the House of Representatives passed a health care reform bill that includes a public option but does not cover abortions. And now, after a revelation by Politico, the Republican National Committee also stripped abortion from their own health plan, ending any plans I once entertained for running for office.

Look, I became a doctor for one reason and one reason only: the ladies. Do you have any idea how many skirts get lifted for me on a daily basis? So many that my classmates at Yale called me “Mouse Dick.”

I hate to be crude, but someone has to say it. We, especially politicians, need abortion coverage. You can be a tax broker with illegitimate children. British women were proud to have the Beatles’ bastard spawn. Hell, you can’t work as a sales clerk unless you’re 17-years-old or have two unwanted brats coloring quietly in the break room.

But, our lives are ruined by unplanned pregnancy. Do we really want to go back to the dark days when the only way to cover up a daliance was to kill Marilyn Monroe? You said there would be other bombshells, but Lana Turner just wouldn’t cut it with all the sweaters in the world. Let’s not even go into Lindsay Lohan. (No, really. Bah-zing!)

You see, while we know that others’ failings are a moral condemnation of their communities, our failings are merely mistakes. If we force people to pay for their own abortions out of pocket, then our own finances, which are public record, will be exposed.

What’s that? Oh, yeah. You’re still in denial.

I could throw all the many more examples in the real world at you Republicans, but that won’t make a dent. I know what you need, and as a doctor, I will use the most affective treatment possible for this malady: hyperbole and conjecture.

Gentlemen (and gentlemen only–this is medical talk), we are embarking onto a slippery slope. Not funding abortion in the name of morality is only the first step to ruining our lives of fun mistakes:

Sexually-transmitted diseases
It falls along the same lines of pregnancy, only you can’t kick genital warts out after 18 years. How can we fund this treatment?

Cancer
We all know that cancer is avoidable if you don’t smoke, use one of those Bluetooth earpieces or microwave while naked. Somewhere in the Old Testament, I am positive there are rules against all of those.

Pool suction wounds
This never happened to me, but to … some kid I knew in grade school.

Tennis elbow
What are you doing playing tennis? Get back to work! And if you’re rich enough to play tennis instead of work, then why should the American taxpayer pay for it?

(We’re kidding! We would never not give free money and services to America’s royalty wealthy.)

Obesity
Fat chicks need health care, too …. But, they gotta pay.

We could consider all of these elective treatments that we disagree with morally, yet they’re still covered … for now. But, thanks to this self-destructive precedent you’re setting with abortion, it’s only a matter of time.

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* Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.